


So Lost In Your Sea

by OnlyOneWoman



Series: Belize Shadow [9]
Category: Animal Kingdom (TV)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Angst, Brothers, Canon Gay Character, Canon Gay Relationship, Caring, Coming Out, Control Issues, Crimes & Criminals, Cuddling & Snuggling, Derdrian, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explicit Sexual Content, Fear, Feelings, First actual date, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Gay Sex, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Insecurity, Jealousy, Love, M/M, Mother-Son Relationship, Nightmares, Non-Penetrative Sex, Personal Growth, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protectiveness, Rape Recovery, Rebuilding Relationship, Recovery, Sex Talk, Sexual Content, Sexual Inexperience, Step by step - Freeform, Teasing, Trauma, Trust Issues, Uncle-Niece Relationship, Unhealthy Relationships, Vulnerability, Worry, in some ways, kidnapping recovery, toxic masculinity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-01-09 01:39:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 65
Words: 34,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12266298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlyOneWoman/pseuds/OnlyOneWoman
Summary: The next part of Belize Shadow series, a follow-up to "Restless Waters" and takes on directly after the last chapter in that part. Of course, canon is changed, but that's a given in any of my stories. The chapters will, as in "Restless..." be devided between Adrian's and Deran's perspectives.It will probably be a bit tricky to follow this story unless you've already read at least the two last parts, "Shores In Flames" and "Restless Waters". The title for this part, "So Lost In Your Sea", is taken from Nightwish's "Ever Dream".Trigger warning: There will MAYBE be some canon-typical violence in this part, but I wont make a TW for each chapter where it might occur, because I don't want to spoil. I take it for granted that the Animal Kingdom fans reading this, can take the same kind of violence in a fic as in the show.As always I want to thank all the lovely people reading, commenting, writing, sharing and just being so nice and encouraging in this fandom. You're amazing <3





	1. Adrian

_”I love you.”_  
_”I love you too.”_  
  
And then they kissed and lived happily ever after.  
  
Adrian moves in his sleep. He’s on the brink of waking up and the hand in his hair is sweet but so is the dream. They’re in the water, glittering blue water, breathing each others air, speaking words barely heard from the sound of crashing waves. Waves that sweep across them, bringing them down and he’s loosing hold of Deran, he’s washed away and gone…  
  
”Adrian? Adrian! Adrian, wake up! Wake up, babe!”  
  
The light suddenly becomes sharper and then he feels the hands, the sheets, the dampness. He’s awake and Deran’s there. No wave has taken him, he’s sitting beside him, all dry and very much alive and Adrian clutches for him, breathing too fast but heavy, like he’s forced to pull the air up with an old bucket like water from a well.  
  
”You’re having a nightmare, hon. It’s alright, it was just a nightmare. I’m here, nothing’s gonna hurt you…”  
  
It’s such a beautiful lie Adrian believes it. He believes it as Deran takes him in his arms and shushes him, believes it as he’s carried to the shower and he believes it as the water rinses the sweat and nightmare away.  
  
He can’t help but believing it when the hands dry and swirl a towel around him. When he’s once again lifted up, carried and then placed in the familiar lap by the window to get some fresh air. The night is actually not too hot and the air soothing enough for the last tension to let go. Deran’s holding him firm but so very gentle. It’s not the first time he’s comforting Adrian after a nightmare and no matter how little Deran thinks of himself, he’s becoming really, really good at it. Adrian believes in him even when Deran doesn’t.  
  
”S’it the same dream again, huh?”  
”Yeah…”  
  
The sigh brings tears. Adrian’s so sick of crying. He’s suggested he should get some sleeping pills, at least letting Deran have a night without having to comfort him, but Deran’s not too keen on that, believing it’s better if Adrian could just cry it all out and let it pass naturally, instead of cutting it off with meds to have a breakdown later on. And as long as Deran’s there to calm him in the night, Adrian doesn’t have the strenght to argue. He just wants some normality back. Just enough to make it through the night.


	2. Deran

Fucking lavender soap. That’s what you get when you send Pope shopping. Deran starts suspecting his oldest brother of being a fucking romantic. But as long as it’s not lemon, it really doesn’t matter how faggety the soap is. Yeah, he still uses that slur sometimes. Not all fucking changes to the better make a perfect passover, Deran never pretended he was aiming to be a damn saint and having his boyfriend scared and crying every goddamn night from nightmares doesn’t really make him less keen on swearing.   
  
Yes, boyfriend. They’re in love, they’re exclusive and what does that make them if not boyfriends? Deran’s done mincing the words both to himself and others and as depressing as the rest of this fucked up situation is, that very vital piece of honesty actually feels damn good, even if Adrian now smells from fucking lavender like some chick. And to be fair, the only guidance Deran gave Pope was no lemon but still with some intense fragrance. Sweat from nightmares really doesn’t smell good, it’s almost worse than rubbing alcohol. Deran chooses lavender any day.  
  
He hates when this happens and it happens every night now. Adrian’s exhausted and the nightmares make it all worse. They leave him tired and anxious, sore and extremely tense which leads to more bad sleep and in the end increased nightmares in a vicious circle. Deran’s not wanted Adrian to have sleeping pills but he’s starting to rethink that now. Crying it all out sounds like a good and healthy idea on the paper but it doesn’t seem to work and they both need to sleep.   
  
Adrian’s heavy in his lap, curled into his chest like a cat and it’s still fucking sad but also good. Deran’s there for him now, he’s not too selfish and fucked up to refuse or not dare. Adrian doesn’t detest him, quite the opposite, and that’s something. Smurf hasn’t scared him away. Not this time nor ever again.  
  
The skin on Adrian’s collarbone is soft against Deran’s mouth. Thin, almost no freckles and warm. Deran slides his lips over it, trying to feel Adrian’s own scent. All he can smell is lavendar.   
  
”Deran…”  
”Yeah?”  
”Think I can sleep now.”  
”You’re sure?”  
”No…”  
  
Stupid question. Deran takes the freckled face between his hands and kisses it. The sleepy mouth, flushed cheeks and warm forehead.  
  
”I think you have a fever.”  
”Doesn’t feel like I have one.”  
”You’re warm.”  
”I’m always warm, silly…”  
  
True. Adrian’s like a human heater sometimes. Deran takes a better grip around the tired man and carries him back to bed. The mattress on the floor actually works better for two, but it’s sweaty and Deran doesn’t have the patience or energy to remake it. He puts Adrian in his own bed, pulls him close and tucks the blanket around them both. Tomorrow he has to start looking for a better bed. And a new fucking soap.


	3. Adrian

”How are you feeling, man?”  
”Better, I guess.”  
  
Tao coming by is actually a bit surprising. Adrian’s never seen him in Deran’s bar before and Tao seems a little lost in the small kitchen.   
  
”You’re staying here now or…?”  
”Yeah. Until I’m better.”  
  
Until he can sleep through the night and start working again. Tao nods.   
  
”Uhm… You know how it will be with the rent? I mean 25 percent raise, man…”  
”All I know is that you don’t have to worry about it.”  
”Smurf’s suddenly giving you extra time to pay?”  
  
Adrian laughs.  
  
”No. But I have some help. Rent and pay will run as usual and you’ll have the extra for filling in for me as well.”   
”That’s nice but you’ve been sick and it’s really not necessairy now, I mean…”  
”Can you still cover for me?”  
”Yeah, sure.”  
”Then you’ll have extra for it.”  
”Deran’s paying?”  
”No, but it’s covered. Just trust me, alright?”  
”Yeah, I trust you, it’s just… a bit weird. Not like Smurf’s lenient, you know.”  
”She isn’t, but as I said, it’s covered.”  
  
Tao nods.  
  
”Alright then. Take care, man.”  
”You too. I’ll come by when I’m better.”  
”Just rest, Adrian. You look like shit, you know.”  
  
They both smile and Adrian feels a little better when his co-worker leaves. Tao’s a good worker and not one to go around gossipping or doing a bad job without supervision.   
  
The bar isn’t open yet and Deran’s away on some errend but Heather’s there and the sound of her putting washed glasses in order and filling up the fridge is kind of soothing. And yes, Adrian should be able to sleep in his own place, but he can’t help feeling relieved he doesn’t have to. Not yet.


	4. Deran

This could actually be a really stupid move. Send the wrong signals or something. Whatever the wrong, or right signals fucking are. He could say it’s for nightmare reasons, which makes it all extremely depressing, or he could say it’s for practical reasons and just come off stupid. You don’t buy a double bed, even if it’s cheap one, just to make it a little more physically comfortable having your boyfriend over. If Adrian doesn’t like this, Deran will just feel so fucking embarressed.  
  
The bed is already in the truck and in the passenger seat, there’s a large bag from Bed Bath & Beyond, which feels only slightly less gay than Pottery Barn, even if it contains some of their most plane and cheap sheets and a blanket. It simply doesn’t work sleeping like they do now and if Adrian decides this is just stupid and a sign of Deran misreading the situation, Deran has the receipt to turn the shit back and then enough booze to drown the embarressment with. At least temporarily. And for what it’s worth, he found another soap, not smelling from lavendar, lemon or hospitals.  
  
Alright, he’s nervous. He should’ve asked Adrian before he left but of course, that felt too embarressing as well. It’s a fucking bed, dammit, not some stupid ass jewelry or whatever gay dudes buy when they get all ooh and aah over each other. It’s a bed. Simple, practical and very useful since Deran’s small one is giving both of them backpain and sore necks and sleeping on the floor just make it feel like the bar isn’t Deran’s. So what if Adrian doesn’t want to sleep in it or sleep with him at all anymore. He can still use it!  
  
By the time Deran’s parking outside the bar, he’s angry. In advance. Just because Adrian thinks this is Deran trying to get fucking… _engaged_ or something, it’s just about simple fucking convenience. If he doesn’t like it, he can just sleep in his own bed and take that stupid lavendar soap with him!  
  
He leaves the car and goes into the bar on the backside, a little too rushed and loud, making Adrian jump and also drop the glass he’s just washed.  
  
”Jesus, Deran!”  
”Fuck… sorry…”  
”Planning on giving me a fucking heart attack, man?”  
”Look, I’m sorry, okay?”  
  
He has to remember Adrian’s skittish these days and for good fucking reasons. Deran feels himself blush as he helps sweeping the pieces off the floor and Heather passes by with a funny look on her face. Deran swallows and looks at Adrian, who’s collecting the glass in a pile.  
  
”I… I bought another soap. It’s not lavendar.”  
”Lavendar?”  
  
Fuck.  
  
”Lemon. It’s not lemon.”  
”Uhm… Okay. Good.”  
”And a bed. It was on sale and it’s better than, you know, the floor and it’s large but it’s not… I mean, it’s… It’s in the truck.”  
  
What the everloving fuck is wrong with him? He’s known this guy for _years._ Deran’s pretty sure his blush is more like fucking crimson now and he can barely stand looking at Adrian.  
  
”You need some help taking it inside?”  
”Uhm… Yeah. Yeah, I could use some… help with that.”  
  
Adrian just stands up with the glass in a pile on the dust pan, looking like the world hasn’t been smashed into pieces at all.  
  
”Okay, lets go.”


	5. Adrian

It’s a good bed for two. No wonder Deran’s looking like he’s ready to sink through fucking ground. This must’ve taken a lot to do. Not an awful lot of work or money or so, but for what it symbolizes. Adrian’s not an idiot and Deran’s practically radiating fear of being rejected or ridiculed now. They’re taking the old bed out and putting the new one up, moving the shelf and boards to make room for it, all without really talking.  
  
The bag from Bed Bath & Beyond has bedsheets, pillows and blankets in it and Adrian simply just makes the bed without asking Deran and sparing him the transition from crimson to flames. Poor guy… Still so fucking worried Adrian will think stupid shit about him. Adrian decides to help him escape.  
  
”I think Heather wanted to check out that window before you open. There’s a loose fitting somewhere.”  
”Oh… Yeah, I’ll… I’ll have a look…”  
  
Deran more or less runs out to the bar and Adrian’s grateful he doesn’t see the smile he can’t hide. This isn't Deran’s territory at all and teasing him about it would just be mean. He’s doing this for Adrian too, for both of them and it’s… huge. Really huge. Adrian doesn’t have to go back to his apartment tonight if he doesn’t want to – or can’t. He literally has a place here, one that doesn’t include aching backs, elbows in the ribs and sore necks. Deran’s making space for him, for _them_ now.  
  
The fatigue hits Adrian from nowhere and he sits down on the bed, resting his head in his hands. The world is spinning and he has to lay down. He closes his eyes, feeling like he’s stuck in a carousel, going round after round, the smell of new sheets prickling his nose and he scrambles to the first vessel available, the trashcan under Deran’s desk and throws up.  
  
”Babe?”  
  
Fast footsteps, worried voice.  
  
”You’re dizzy? Here, let me…”  
  
Deran sounds so anxious and Adrian wants to tell him to stop talking, stop sounding like he’s the one causing the nausea.  
  
”Is it a smell or something?”  
”No…”  
  
Adrian takes a deep breath, pressing a palm against his stomach and tries to relax.  
  
”Stop feeling stupid about this…”  
”What?”  
”The bed…  the soap. Hate to feel like this, but that doesn’t mean I hate being _here_. And it’s about time you get a bed that doesn’t fuck up the spine. It’s very gay.”  
  
The terrified face expression is priceless and Adrian laughs.  
  
”I’m just kidding, Deran… Jesus…”  
”Asshole.”  
  
Deran’s smiling and blushing again. He’s pretty, very pretty when he blushes and Adrian strokes the heated cheek.  
  
”If I didn’t taste like vomit, I’d kiss you.”  
”Thanks. For not doing it.”  
”You’re welcome.”


	6. Deran

”What’s your favourite?”  
”Of what?”  
”In bed.”  
”Seriously, dude?”  
”Oh, don’t tell me you’re shy, Deran…”  
”Fuck you.”  
”Sorry, too sore and tired.”  
  
The laughter is mesmerizing. Adrian’s been teasing him ever since The Drop closed for the night, he’s a little tipsy and damn gorgeous with slightly coloured cheeks and a big smile. Deran throws a tovel at him.  
  
”You’re drunk, man.”  
”Nah, it’s just the painkillers.”  
”And the scotch.”  
”Only had two drinks.”  
”Adding the pills, the weed and no food. You’re definately drunk.”  
”Then tell me, ’cause I wont remember tomorrow.”  
”Then what’s the point?”  
  
Adrian’s not the only one who can tease and the way he laughs, toothy and bright like he’s never had a panic attack in his life, only makes Deran blush worse. His boyfriend smiles.  
  
”Alright then, I tell first…”  
”God…”  
”No such position as far as I know. But, if I’m bottoming… Lotus. The usual or kneeling. And butterfly.”  
”Lotus and… butterfly? You know how gay that sounds?”  
”Very, I hope. I don’t like pussy, I like cock, as you may remember?”  
”Jesus, you’re drunk…”  
”You don’t know what they are, right?”  
”I don’t.”  
  
He’s never been very creative with guys. Chicks have been easier but when you’ve only quite recently started to feel completely fine with facing the guy you’re being with, it’s not as if you’ve googled a fucking manual for every possible position. Adrian yawns and stretches out on the bed like a cat.  
  
”I’ll show you when I’m not… so tired…”  
”You’re a fucking tease, you know that?”  
”But do you know why I like them?”  
  
Deran rolls his eyes.  
  
”No, but you’re gonna tell me anyway, right?”  
  
Adrian smiles and turns around to face Deran. He puts a hand on his cheek, eyes glittering mischievously.  
  
”Nope. You’re gonna have to google them.”  
”And why would I do that?”  
”Because you’re curious.”  
”Asshole.”  
”Alright, one hint.”  
  
Soft, warm lips, slow tongue. Deran still can’t fucking understand how much he loves Adrian’s mouth or how it sends shivers down his spine. When the man breaks it, he nuzzles Deran’s nosetip.  
  
”They're my favourites because you don’t… have to… stop… kissing.”


	7. Adrian

Firm, thick mattress, soft pillows and new sheets. A warm and protective body curled around him. His muscles hurt but that’s nothing new and he’s slept well with more space to spread out over in a bed that actually supports instead of feeling like a bag of sand. No nightmares, no crying, no nausea or loneliness.  
  
Deran’s snoring softly, nose buried in Adrian’s hair. Just a few months ago, all of this would’ve been impossible. With all that’s happened since their reunion or what you should call it, reconciliation maybe, things have changed dramatically between them. Nothing like the change in Belize, but no less big and it’s pretty exhausting. Maybe even, as weird as it might sound after more than two years of mutual pining and occasional fucking, bigger than Belize.  
  
It’s a little shocking. Well, more than a little, actually. For Deran, coming out seemed to be like opening a closet with far more hidden stuff than just an orientation and it makes more sense to Adrian now. Smurf has shown what she’s prepared to do to keep her boys close and even if Adrian’s not at all sure she’s behind the kidnapping, it’s still a part of the life she gave Deran and his siblings. People will get hurt when dealing with the Codys and the Codys will hurt themselves. It’s like a nature law, like they’re a pack of animals in a kingdom of their own, only disguised as normal people. Love is not a very stable ground in that kind of environment. Not that is ever is.  
  
It really shouldn’t surprise him that Deran couldn’t answer his question the other night. He didn’t mean to make him feel uncomfortable, it was just a bit of fun and he was a little drunk. It’s not as if Adrian’s a walking been there, done that when it comes to all the different kinds of positions in bed, but he’s experimented a whole lot more than Deran, that’s for sure. He’s always been versatile, never really felt too shy trying new things as long as the time, place and guy feel right.   
  
Adrian strokes the arms holding him and Deran pulls him closer in his sleep. The closeness stirrs up urges they’ve not given in to for a very long time, for obvious and depressing reasons. The desperate grinding at the motel happened in a rush, otherwise they’d probably started a fist fight instead. But apart from that they’ve been fucking monks for a while and he misses it, misses fucking, misses being fucked and he misses being able to play in bed. He’s so rarely had the opportunity to face Deran during sex and he misses that too, because it can be fucking amazing to see the face of your lover when he comes. Knowing you made him feel so good he can’t hold back as much as he intended to.  
  
Deran’s not shy when it comes to initiatives per se, it’s just that it’s mostly been very impersonal and skittish and therefor not much variety or real intimacy. At least very little of it. If Deran never wants to be fucked again, Adrian knows he’ll miss it. Since they’ve only been exclusive for a very short time, one that’s been far more about finding stable common ground, heal and finding out what the fuck they want, than having a good time in bed, it’s not something Adrian’s been thinking very much about. And asking someone who’s suffered anal rape not that long ago if he wants to bottom, something he’s only tried once and while liking it still felt uncomfortable thanks to toxic fucking ideas of what a ”real man” is, could be one of the most stupid ideas a boyfriend could come up with.  


	8. Deran

”You’re sure?”  
”Absolutely. Ocean aint going nowhere.”  
”Well… me neither. At least not on a board.”  
  
Adrian’s sitting up in bed, hair ruffy and a slightly displeased look on his face. It’ll be a while before he can surf again and Deran’s not really interested in going alone or with Craig now. Adrian’s too warm and cuddly and Deran would rather flee fucking country before taking that last word in his mouth. It’s embarressing enough that he can’t look at a newly awaken Adrian without feeling all sappy about it. He takes the man’s hand.  
  
”Still sore?”  
”Yeah. Gotta save my strenght for work.”  
”You uhm… you’re sleeping here tonight or…? I mean…”  
”Was hoping you’d ask.”  
  
The freckled man with weary eyes smiles.  
  
”Actually, I wanted to ask if this… invitation could be a standing for a while? When you’re not busy or have company, of course.”  
”Company?”  
  
He must look as shocked as he feels because Adrian’s eyes get huge and he shakes his head.  
  
”God, no! I didn’t mean it like _that_! I meant if Craig’s crashing here.”  
  
Deran laughs and rubs his face.  
  
”If Craig shows up, he can sleep on the floor. And I don’t want anyone but you.”  
  
It’s the simple truth, suddenly it’s just as easy saying it and the barely visible reaction from Adrian speaks louder than words. Deran nuzzles the man’s ear.  
  
”You can come over whenever and stay for as long as you want.”  
”Be careful what you promise.”  
  
Warm neck, stubbled cheek, irrestistable ear lobe. Why does it feel like he’s newly in love with a guy he’s known for years and how the hell do you do a lotus and a fucking butterfly?


	9. Adrian

Too tense to surf, too sore to fuck and too early to drink. His shoulders constantly pull themselves up and the short trip to get some clothes and stuff from home is damn near painful. He should probably see a doctor and decides to call and make an appointment as soon as he’s back at the bar. In the meantime he buys some painkillers and tiger balm before heading back.   
  
Deran’s doing some calculations at his desk and he smiles as Adrian enters.  
  
”Got what you needed?”  
”Advils and tiger balm. Need to call my health centre though.”  
”Why?”  
”Why? ’Cause I’m in fucking pain all the fucking time!”  
  
Deran just stares at him and Adrian closes his eyes. His whole body feels like it’s trapped in some kind of invisible vice and now as he’s back from the errend, Adrian realises how much it actually hurts and it’s not a nice feeling at all. It makes him both tired, testy and erratic.   
  
”Fuck… Deran, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”  
”Can I help you with it?”  
”I… No… Maybe the back. If you could rub some tiger balm… I’m really sorry I snapped.”  
  
Deran leaves the desk and pulls Adrian down on the bed. He seats himself behind and wraps his arms around him.  
  
”Si’t that bad, huh?”  
”Yeah. Shouldn’t have yelled at you, though.”  
”Like I’ve never lost it… Come on, take your shirt off, man.”  
  
The balm has a sharp scent and Deran’s definately not an aspiring massage therapist, but he knows Adrian’s body and the care in the act is more soothing than the actual touch. It warms the skin and even relaxes him a little.   
  
”You want an Advil?”  
”Took one in the car… This… This feels good, man.”  
”Good, ’cause I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”  
  
Adrian laughs.   
  
”Keep this up and you’re more than welcome to use me as your guinea pig. Jesus, this is good…”  
”You’re gonna tell me your favourites yet?”  
”Thought we decided you should google.”  
” _We_ didn’t decide shit. _You_ were a major tease.”  
”I admit that. Ouch! That hurt!”  
”Sorry. This better?”  
”Yeah… Yeah, that’s much better…”  
”Well?”  
”Butterfly and kneeling lotus...”  
  
As he’s telling, he knows without having to look that Deran’s blushing. And _very_ curious.


	10. Deran

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, talk dirty to me^^

The wall was his idea. Adrian’s back has support and the lowkey arousal they’ve both had on and off the whole day has heated up a lot as Adrian’s muscle pain has decreased and their shirts are forgotten on the floor. Deran’s on his knees, arms firmly around Adrians ass and lower back as the man has their cocks rub together. The whole ordeal is, despite the lack of mouth and ass, a lot more exciting than Deran finds reasonable.  
  
Adrian rolls his hips in a way Deran’s only experienced with chicks, grinding shamelessly and Deran wants to tug their pants down and bury his cock to the hilt in that firm, bumping ass but they don’t have time and even if they did, it would be bad idea. They’re only able to do this thanks to the magic of Advils and tiger balm and they both need some fucking release. Adrian makes him blush with talk Deran’s never heard before in this kind of situation. His sore but rock hard lover mumbles utter filth in his ear, making Deran groan and almost whine out erratic strings of words like _yes_ , _please_ and _more_.  
  
Their pants are straining and Deran works them open and tugs enough for their cocks to spring free, wet and hard, the silky feeling causing them both to moan as they come together. Adrian’s more or less bouncing on his lap and Deran can picture him all naked, ass tight and warm around him, like a wet fucking glove but it’s not the right time, it will only cause Adrian pain and that’s the last thing Deran wants to risk now.  
  
He’s gorgeous like this. So warm and smooth, panting and leaking only from this, still chasing Deran’s mouth for kisses and Deran nibbles his lower lip.  
  
”Tell me…”  
  
Adrian lets out a breathy mixture between a laugh and a moan.  
  
”This… is kneeling lotus… I ride you, like this... You’d like that, babe?”  
  
He makes a snap with his hips and Deran has to bite down a groan.  
  
”Fuck yeah, baby… I want in you…”  
  
It’s the only version of dirty talk Deran’s capable of and it may be just as well since they can’t go much further and while Adrian keeps breathing out pictures of how big Deran feels inside him, how wet he is, the orgasm hits Deran hard and pulsating, smearing them both and the slick, hot mess brings Adrian over the edge as well with an almost purring moan.  
  
Deran keeps him close, unconcerned about the sticky cum. He just wants to hold the man tight and fucking never let go.


	11. Adrian

”Well, that was stupid…”  
”No shit, man…”  
”But good. Really good.”  
”You’re not gonna pass out or puke or get a nosebleed, huh?”  
”Didn’t plan on it. You?”  
  
Deran just laughs and Adrian nuzzles his hair.  
  
”Don’t fucking tell me you didn’t need this as bad as me.”  
”I did. But dammit, Adrian… How are you feeling?”  
”Sore, sticky and thirsty.”  
  
He’s not left Deran’s lap, hanging onto him like a ragdoll as Deran keeps stroking his back.  
  
”Sure you’re okay?”  
”I’m fine, babe. What about you?”  
  
He’s not forgotten. How could anyone forget that your partner’s been raped only a couple of months ago? It’s not only Adrian who’s in need of patience, calm and care. Deran rests his forehead on Adrian’s shoulder.  
  
”Yeah, I’m fine. How’s your back?”  
  
Adrian turns his neck and rolls his shoulders, sounding like he’s been locked in the same position for hours, cracking with every move and he laughs.  
  
”It hates me, I think.”  
”Jesus… we should’ve gone easier.”  
”Are you regretting this because you didn’t like it, or because you’re afraid I’m hurt?”  
”I don’t regret it, babe.”  
  
Deran squeezes Adrian’s neck softly and moves closer to kiss him. It’s a soft kiss, unrushed and intimate. Adrian’s always loved Deran’s kisses but these ones practically melt him. They don’t taste of self-hatred, shame, stress or pent-up emotions. This is how Deran feels when he’s not in denial or feel trapped and it’s worth every sore muscle and aching joint. Adrian breaks the kiss slowly.  
  
”We should have a shower while the Advil still works.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know some of my beloved readers are waiting for our angsty darlings to go all the way again and believe me, so do I. It's marked explicit for a reason, it might just take a little while to get to those parts. The key here is recovering from trauma and learning how to deal with emotions and things can go in all sorts of directions. Deran and Adrian are both extremely fragile in some ways and talking about the rape and the kidnapping is really hard because they're still in a form of survival mode, which has different symptoms for them simply because the traumas aren't the same and they're two different persons, dealing with emotions in different ways. 
> 
> *love and kisses to all of you*


	12. Deran

”Uncle Deran…”  
”Yeah, sweetheart?”  
”Uncle Adrian’s crying.”  
  
He could kill Baz right now. How the hell did he think, just dropping the kid off without calling first? Baz knew Deran wouldn’t throw a fit in front of the kid and he also knew it was more likely he’d be at the bar working this morning and that Lena likes both Deran and Adrian, she even calls Adrian uncle. How convenient for Baz and that chick he’s banging. And Smurf… Deran grits his teeth. Like hell she was busy. This is her way of spying on him and Adrian, using the poor kid as an informant.   
  
If Pope hadn’t been off somewhere doing something he doesn’t care to tell anyone about, Deran would’ve called him to pick Lena up this instance. She’s not supposed to be thrown around like this and she’s certainly not supposed to spend her morning in this bar, hearing Adrian cry from pain after the shower.  
  
Deran strokes her hair.  
  
”Wait here, sweetie, I’ll go check on him. And there’s nothing to worry about, okay?”  
”Okay.”  
  
Nothing to worry about… Deran has everything to fucking worry about and the most urgent thing is a boyfriend who’s painkillers aren’t working. Deran opens the door to his bedroom-office-storage room and lays down on the bed, spooning the crying man.  
  
”Hey, babe…”  
”Did I scare her?”  
”No, of course not. Look, Adrian, we need to take you to a doctor. There must be something they can do that works better than fucking Advils.”  
”Craig could get me like… whatever shit there is he’s having.”  
”No. Absolutely not.”  
”Why?”  
  
Deran rubs his face.  
  
”Cause I’m not taking that risk with you, man. I mean, come on, half the time Craig barely knows what he’s taking and it sure as hell aint painkillers. We’re going to a fucking health centre and I’ll get Lena some icecream or something while we’re waiting for you, okay?”  
”Okay…”  
”Please, don’t cry, hon, you’ll get better. God, I hate this family…”  
  
It just slips him, he doesn’t really mean it, but sometimes it’s not that far from the truth. Who the hell declared Deran and his bar fucking care centre for the kids of lost and busy Codys? 


	13. Adrian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Since the showmakers for some weird reason didn't give Adrian a last name, I had to give the poor guy one so until we get one in the show, his last name in my fics will be Myers.

He feels sorry for her. Sitting so patiently with her book and knitted doll. Adrian has a lot of resentment for his own parents, but that has nothing to do with the kind of bullshit Baz is doing. It’s not often Adrian wishes Smurf was around, but this is one of those occasions. At least Lena likes grandma Smurf and since the kid is so obviously used to stay quiet and entertain herself, she seems perfectly calm sitting in this waiting room with strangers. How the hell could she be in anyone’s way?  
  
”Adrian Myers?”  
  
His turn, apparently. Deran squeezes his hand and Adrian follows the nurse who’s walking too fast for him. He’s feeling sick again and he has to grab the bannister on the wall to maintain balance. The nurse turns quickly and takes his arm.  
  
”I’m sorry, Mr. Myers, I walk too fast. You’re dizzy?”  
”Yeah.”  
”Only a few more steps.”  
  
The doctor’s office is a bit chilly, which is surprising since it’s in fucking southern California and it’s a sunny day. The nurse helps him to sit down on the brits.  
  
”Doctor Ramos is ready for you in a minute. You’ve felt this dizzy all morning?”  
”More or less.”  
  
The nurse has questions and Adrian answers them as much as he’s able to, but the pain is getting worse after the walk and he’s scared because he has no idea why it hurts this bad and that’s fucking frightening. When doctor Ramos comes, Adrian already feels stupid for not being able to give any good explanation to what’s happened to him, but she turns out to be a very relaxed fifty plus something woman who doesn’t seem the least irritated or surprised that Adrian can’t really tell why he’s so tense.  
  
She’s examining his back and shoulders, listening to hearts and lungs gently and calm and her questions aren’t really hard to answer until she’s done asking about the purely physical things he’s feeling right now.  
  
”Have you been recently injured or ill?”  
”I… I’ve been at hospital some weeks ago.”  
”Uh-huh. And for what illness or injury were you treated?”  
”I was… dehydration and fractures. My ribs.”  
”And what caused the dehydration and fractures?”  
”I… I was… kidnapped.”  
  
Her eyes at first make Adrian think she doesn’t believe him, but then she puts the stethoscope away.  
  
”I think we’d better talk a little before I go on with the examination, Mr. Myers.”


	14. Deran

No Baz, of course not. Deran’s not even sure why he bothered calling him, because of course he’s saying he’ll pick his daughter up and of fucking course it’s Pope who’s walking into the waiting room, looking like he’s about to commit murder. Lena, however, immediately walks up to him and he picks her up. She already knows daddy isn’t coming but Deran’s starting to wonder if Pope isn’t actually a better option after all. Lena cuddles into him in a way she never does with Baz or Smurf.   
  
”Uncle Pope?”  
”Yes, sweetheart?”  
”Can we have ice cream?”  
  
Deran makes an attempt to smile.  
  
”I sorta promised her.”  
  
Pope looks at his niece.  
  
”Well, you gotta keep a promise, right?”  
  
Lena nods and Pope strokes her hair.  
  
”I think uncle Deran has to stay here for a little while until the doctor is done helping Adrian. Would it be alright if I get you that ice cream?”  
”Uh-huh. Uncle Deran?”  
  
Lena’s turning to him again with a serious look on her face.  
  
”Yeah, sweetie, what is it?”  
”Is uncle Adrian gonna die?”  
  
The lump in his throat is barely holding before he can answer.  
  
”No. No, Lena, he’s just sick. He’s not gonna die, okay. Don’t worry, sweetie, and we’ll have ice cream with Adrian as soon as he’s better, okay?”  
”Okay.”  
  
He manages to smile and pat her cheek. Pope’s brown, weird eyes are worried.  
  
”You call me later, Deran.”  
”Yeah.”  
”Take care and say hello to Adrian from me.”  
”Sure.”  
  
Deran’s not sure if he’s relieved or not when they leave. He feels completely useless right now. But it’s actually sweet to hear Lena calling Adrian _uncle_ , even if he isn’t her uncle. On the other hand, Smurf is a mother to the name, but not in much else. Family is such a strange concept.


	15. Adrian

The fatigue, the nightmares, the tension and pain… Nothing seems to suprise the doc but it’s also hard to remember not saying anything that could connect Deran or the Cody’s to it. He’s not really lying, because he really doesn’t know why he was abducted and the last thing he’d do is to mention Smurf by name. In he doctor’s office, she’s transformed to a simple, controlling mother hen who can’t let go of her son. Not a lie but definately not the whole truth either.  
  
But it feels good, surprisingly good getting to talk to someone outside the Cody’s, his own family and friends. The stress of being together with a shit scared closet case, of being rejected by the family, of seeing your boyfriend badly injured – Adrian doesn’t dare to say it was rape, because that’s not his secret to tell anyone – has taken it’s toll on him too, aside from the abduction. He doesn’t want to be admitted into a hospital because what could they do except giving him pills and supervision, but he’s not functioning very well on his own either.   
  
The solution is that the doc is transferring him to an anesthesiologist and while that could take a couple of days, she renews the prescripted meds, removes one she doesn’t think is working while adding a new one and increasing the dose on the painkillers. No more useless Advils and definately no booze. She says it sounding almost like a mother and Adrian just nods. He’s has access to a bar practically 24/7 but if he can have meds working as good as they did at the hospital, there’s no need for extra ”help”. Maybe he’ll actually be able to sleep without nightmares. And wake up without feeling like he’s been squeezed in a vice.   
  
What she can do right now, is to give him an injection with an anastethic Adrian doesn’t care to remember the name for as long as it works. She also books a new appointment in a week, to check up on him and Adrian knows that’s not strange but he feels like someone aside from Deran suddenly actually _cares_. With an appointement note and the prescription safely in his pocket, after the doc has went for Deran and talked a little to him, he’s getting help to leave the centre, not very steady on his footing, but the injection has started to work.   
  
While in the car, Adrian’s more or less human goo and Deran looks worried.  
  
”Are you sure you’re better now?”  
”Can’t feel a thing, man.”  
”Is that good?”  
”Hell yeah… Don’t know how I’m gonna get the meds though.”  
”I’m helping you.”  
”But I can barely lift my feet… They’ll think I’m a junkie.”  
”We can wait. And if I’m working when you’re ready to go, I’m sure Pope will take you.”  
  
Pope? Yeah, of course. Why not? But for now, Adrian just wants to sleep and dwell in this heavenly feeling of no fucking pain.


	16. Deran

Throughout the day, he’s stealing glances. At first concerned, worried. Is his breathing too fast? Too calm? Has he fever? Enough blankets? Nightmares? When was the last time he had anything to eat or drink? The amount of pain and tension Adrian’s been through before he got the injection at the healthcare centre, must’ve been far worse than Deran realised. It’s like someone’s poked Adrian with a needle, letting all the air out. He’s reminding of Lena’s ragdoll and while Deran’s catching up on work, grateful to get his mind on something else, he goes to check on Adrian as often as he can. But there’s no nightmares, no screaming in terror or crying in pain.  
  
Around two, when Adrian isn’t waking up by himself, Deran carefully snuggles down beside him in bed. He’s warm and limp, snoring softly and Deran tries not to think it’s adorable even if it is. Adrian feels so soft and his scent is sweet, sleepish. When Deran starts scratching his hair, Adrian’s murmering in his sleep.  
  
”Deran…?”  
”Yeah, babe?”  
”This… t’is so good… scratching…”  
  
Deran smiles and keeps cardening through the short hair as Adrian almost purrs from it.  
  
”How are you feeling?”  
”Good… Tired.”  
”No pain?”  
”None…”  
”Good. That’s… really good, babe. You’re hungry?”  
”No.”  
”You’ve barely had anything to eat or drink. You’d like a smoothie at least?”  
”Okay.”  
  
He’s still barely awake and Deran gets one of the organic hipster smoothies Pope bought along with some other stuff. He helps his limp boyfriend to sit up and Adrian drinks in small swallows, leaned against Deran’s chest. At least the drink must taste nice because he finishes it. Deran puts the empty box away and nuzzles the scruffy hair.   
  
”You’ve slept like four hours. Wanna try and sit up for a while?”  
”Guess I should…”  
  
Deran arranges him against the pillows, but Adrian is simply far too tired and heavy to sit right now so Deran gives up and tucks his boyfriend to bed again. He watches the soon sleeping form, the calm breaths and freckled face. Adrian is pretty and Deran kisses his cheek. When he finds out who did this to him, there’ll be fucking blood.


	17. Pope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And finally an interlude with my favourite psycho Pope <3

”No.”  
”Don’t be stupid.”  
”I said no, man. I’m done depending on her.”  
”It’s not from Smurf, you idiot.”  
  
His baby brother looks highly suspicious – and irritated – as he takes the paper bag. He opens it and the weary eyes turn huge. Pope scratches his chin.  
  
”It’s your share if you’d done the job with us.”  
”Fucks sake… Does Baz know?”  
”Yeah.”  
”And he didn’t object?”  
”Only until I reminded him who’ve been babysitting Lena lately.”  
  
Deran still seems like he’s not sure what to do and Pope nods at the bed where Adrian sleeps heavily.  
  
”He’s slept all day?”  
”More or less. At least he’s not in pain.”  
”You’re doing good, Deran.”  
  
Deran just snorts and gives a small laughter, exasperated.  
  
”Really? You call this good? He doesn’t deserve this, Pope. Even if he’s forgiven me for all the shit I did to him and even if you and Craig are helping, he’ll still end up hurt. This fucking family… it’s a disease, man…”  
”Hey, hey, listen. Yeah, we’re a fucked up family, Smurf and Baz are fucking sociopaths, I’m a wreck and Craig’s just nice but stupid. You’re not like us, Deran. You have limits.”  
  
He means it. Pope knows Deran’s always been scared of him, maybe he still is, but fact is that no matter how much they’ve all teased him for his failed rebellions, Deran’s the only one of them who’ve actually managed to break free without leaving a trail of various disaster after him.  
  
It can’t have been easy, being more or less squashed between four, later three older siblings and Smurf. The surfing was one escape but Adrian’s the one that kept Deran trying to get out, as Lena now is the reason Pope’s not put an end to it all. Pope looks at Adrian again. He’s tucked in, the small backroom looks far more clean and cosy than Deran’s old apartment ever did. Deran’s taking care of his boyfriend or whatever they are to each other and if Pope can’t undo the one thing he’ll never be able to forgive himself, the least he can do is doing some fucking good when he has the chance.  
  
Not to be forgiven or ease his conscience because that’s not possible but at least he can make sure things aren’t getting any worse for his baby bro and his boyfriend. Maybe that counts for something.


	18. Craig

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And a Craig chapter as well.

”How’s it going?”  
”Better, I think.”  
  
Adrian’s sitting in the bed, sipping on a cup of coffee while Deran’s fussing around between him and the bar like some damn nurse and Craig shakes his head.  
  
”Sure you don’t want me to knock him out?”  
”Only if you want to play nurse for both of us.”  
”Not really. And Pope would kill me.”  
”Probably.”  
  
He looks really tired but relaxed. Deran could need a little from whatever Adrian’s on. Craig’s been forced to rethink the relationship his brother has with Adrian. Pope’s probably the only one who can understand it and no one understands Pope so that’s a dead end. Deran’s the closest relationship Craig has and still he often doesn’t understand him at all.   
  
”He’s been like this the whole time?”  
”More or less.”  
”He’s getting himself a fucking seizure. He’s an idiot, you know.”  
  
Adrian smiles a little.  
  
”He’s my idiot.”  
”You’re like… exclusive now?”  
  
Adrian laughs.  
  
”No, he’s taking grindr hook-ups in here, fucking them over the desk while I have phone sex with Dave. Come on, Craig…”  
”You know what I mean, man.”  
”Yes, we’re definately exclusive.”  
”About fucking time. How long before you’re out of bed?”  
”Was hoping I’ll be up tomorrow but that’s probably a bit optimistic.”  
  
Probably, yeah. Adrian doesn’t look very well at all and no wonder. The guy’s been through hell and there’s probably a lot more of it that Deran’s not told anyone and Craig doesn’t want to ask yet. His baby brother can be skittish and especially when it comes to things concerning Adrian. He’s protective as hell when he thinks he needs to and Craig doesn’t want to disturbe that mama bear now.


	19. Adrian

The ocean. He’s not been down here for some time now, if you’re not counting that night when the nightmares thrashed him so badly he could hardly breathe and Deran decided to take him here. It helped then and it helps now. It’s really late and the darkness should frighten him as it has done since the abduction, but Deran’s holding him. Deran will protect him. When did that thought become normal? Adrian sighs. He’s leaning back in Deran’s arms yet the distance is still there.  
  
His boyfriend is still hiding, not that Adrian blames him. Who wouldn’t try to forget? Talking is like reliving it and Adrian wishes Deran knew he understands. That he shouldn’t feel ashamed, that it wasn’t his fault. That this idea of being a _man_ is fucking toxic and unnatural, hurting people and most of all yourself. Adrian’s a part of that in some ways, it’s not as if he’s free enough to don’t give a single fuck, but with Deran it’s simply dangerous. The man has spent years trying to prove himself, to be the most reckless, the most badass guy who doesn’t bang a challenge no matter how dangerous, as long as it gives him the kick – and assures him he’s a man.  
  
Adrian sometimes wonders how it would’ve been growing up with three older brothers letting you come with them almost anywhere as soon as you turned fourteen and while he was jealous at first, he later came to be grateful not having to constantly prove himself. He’s seen Deran redeyed and bruised enough times to know even before Deran told him what his brothers ”teaching him stuff” really meant. It was so obvious Deran didn’t want comfort or even talk about it, so they stuck to their boards and after riding those waves, he always smiled again. The ocean made Deran happy and, as Adrian realised later, he did.  
  
Adrian bends his face into the crook of Deran’s neck. The evening is calm, the spot they’ve chosen hidden enough to decrease the risk of drunk party people bumping into them and Adrian knows, Deran knows, that despite their seemingly comfortable silence, they’re not done talking. In no fucking way.  
  
Deran smells from soap, beer and smoke. A hint of sweat and aftershave. And ocean. A mixture of scents so familiar it’s almost a part of Adrian by now, stuck like scrape of skin under his nails. The waves break the silence, save or stop them from talking, and how do you know which one it is? It’s damn painful when you’ve managed to open up once, completely against everything you’ve been taught, everything you think you are than you’ve hold for truth, only to discover it’s not enough.  
  
The night when Deran told him, he balled his fists, lost words and cried from anger and shame, the exhaustion but most of all the fear. The absolute terror of being ridiculed, distrusted or even shunned for his ”weakness”. Talking about that, is to rip the wound open and Adrian isn’t strong enough to risk that now. None of them are. But it’s still there. They may deal with Adrian’s shit now, but Deran’s own demons are just beneath the surface, ready to tip their unsteady feet from the boards, like an insidious underwater current. And the man who’s holding him now, seemingly steady as rock, is lost in his own sea, terrified of falling off his board, of loosing focus on Adrian’s problems and be dragged down to face himself.


	20. Deran

It could’ve been like this earlier. Without all the shit previous to this moment. Deran’s been brought up thinking it’s never any use in looking back, only forward, but how else is he ever gonna understand. Adrian is his first in so many ways. The first friend who didn’t start off as Craig’s. His first friend to not be dragged in or shut out by Smurf, but kept in a safe distance. The first guy he slept with and the first kiss that actually made him feel something he wanted again.  
  
The memories are painful, because even Belize is clouded with fear and despise. Because when they eventually came back, after five weeks discovering something Deran could neither stop wanting or giving in for it, neither admit what he wanted, the invisible string around his neck just pulled tighter and tighter, the sence of being held in a leash, examined and controlled just increased with the size of his secrets.   
  
Had he been strong enough, not been so fucking scared of everything and everyone, he never would've hurt Adrian, never hooked up with unknown guys, never been raped and Adrian wouldn’t have been kidnapped. It’s all Deran’s fault, for letting his fear of Smurf control him for so long.  
  
”When I was in that basement, you know what I was thinking about?”  
”What?”  
”You.”  
  
Adrian sounds calm and Deran’s stomach is curling because he’s been so afraid of triggering his boyfriend’s memories he’s hardly asked any questions. He holds his hands tighter and Adrian sighs.  
  
”I thought they’d kill me, you know, and all I could think of was that voicemail.”  
”Please don’t…”  
  
This is dangerous. These waves aren’t calm and the shore isn’t safe. Adrian strokes his thumb over the back of Deran’s hand.  
  
”I want to forget, Deran, but I can’t… I… I’m afraid all the time.”  
  
_Me too. Me too, babe. I’m afraid all the time and it’s eating me, Adrian. But you mustn’t know that. Not now. I can’t be the one you need if I’m letting myself loose. If I’m starting to think about my own fear. I’m so sorry, but I just can’t._  
  
”I’m here, man. You know that, right? No one’s gonna do shit to you again, I swear.”  
  
It sounds so poor. Like an empty promise with no real meaning, something you throw around. But this is not Deran’s language, not when people might hear and ridicule him. It’s too fragile to be used here, no matter how soothing the ocean air is right now.   
  
_I love you more than I knew was possible, you make me wish for things that weren’t meant for me and I can’t promise you happiness. Not with me, not here and if I admit that, it would feel like loosing you again. I can’t take that, babe. I’m simply not strong enough._


	21. Adrian

It doesn’t show to others, of that he’s fairly certain. The bar isn’t overly crowded but there’s enough people to keep both Deran and Heather busy, yet still Deran’s eyes more often than not glide over the tables to Adrian. It’s not in a controlling way, Adrian more than well knows how that kind of look feels like and this one doesn’t feel like that at all. For an outsider or even a not very close friend, the glances probably aren’t noticable at all.  
  
Adrian has one of his school books by the table, along with a club soda. He can’t drink while on these meds and even if he knows a lot of people don’t follow that to the letter, he will. He’s felt a little better today, maybe the time spent by the ocean last night helped too. Deran simply drove them once he’d closed the bar and they just sat on their hidden spot in silence until Adrian somehow just had to break it, had to give voice to the terror he’s sliding in and out of, and still the world didn’t crash and burn. When they came back to the bar and went to bed, Deran held him through the night and Adrian woke up feeling tired and in pain, but not unbarably so.   
  
In some ways, it’s easy to calm Deran. Give him a sign that you’re not about to dive into madness or running away and he’s breath will ease in an instance. Hell, the man was practically beaming when Adrian told him he’d not had any nightmares and that the time by the ocean helped. It almost reminded of how he’d looked the night he opened the bar. Adrian would want to tell his boyfriend that he’s not the major fuck-up he thinks he is, only doing right by luck. Was it not for Deran’s damn good work with his emotions, Adrian wouldn’t have returned after that night. The man has nothing left to prove, simple as that. No one has made more effort to make it right after hurting Adrian, or sacrificed more to help without being the least responsible for causing the shit.  
  
”One Stella Artois.”  
  
Adrian freezes on spot. He’s got his eyes fixed on a paragraph in the book, unable to move his gaze or the page or anything.   
  
Wet lemon muffins. Indifferent hands. Angry voices. Adrian knows this voice and he should get up, tell Deran, tell fucking anyone but he can’t move a muscle, can’t open his mouth. Deran is busy serving people, more costumers are showing up, _The Drop_ is getting louder and the voice drowns in others, unfamiliar but not frightening, the music and sound of clinking bottles and glasses.  
  
He needs to leave, but can’t. His whole body is screaming for him to rise and just get the hell out of here, away from danger before it’s too late, but he’s unable to move.  
  
”Adrian?”  
  
Heather. Adrian looks up and the friendly bartender he’s barely spoken to, is standing close to him, leaning down.  
  
”Is something wrong?”  
  
Adrian swallows. He can no longer hear the voice from his nightmares and Heather’s in the way for him to see the man it belongs to as well.   
  
”Where’s Deran?”  
”I’ll get him.”  
”No. No, that’s not necessairy. Can you… Is anyone watching me?”  
”No. You want me to get you to the back?”  
”Yeah… Don’t… don’t show Deran. I just… need to lay down.”  
”Okay.”  
  
He’s not sure how he manages to rise or walk and it feels like everyone is watching him, but he’s making it to the back and sinks down on the bed. He grabs Heather’s wrist.  
  
”The backdoor… S’it locked?”   
  
Heather checks it and it’s locked. She looks worried.  
  
”I’ll get Deran for you. Discrete, okay? Just rest.”


	22. Deran

_They were just here._ Deran balls his fists, trying to remember, but he’s never been very good with faces and Adrian can’t speak. Deran has only managed to make him swallow the ”panic pills”, as he calls them and it’s not as if questions will make Adrian more relaxed now. And even if he’s not said a word, Deran just knows that Adrian saw one or all of the assholes responsible for the kidnapping in the bar. The people Deran’s spent so much time torturing and killing in thought walked right in, ordered and sat down only a few tables away from Adrian. And Deran knew nothing.  
  
As he’s holding Adrian, Deran tries to think, not feel and definately not act. Nothing good will come out him loosing control too, possibly scaring Adrian and make an ass of himself in front of Heather and the bar guests. No matter how much he cringes from the realisation, he has to act like _her_ now. Smurf doesn’t show emotions unless she can use it to her advantage or is completely taken by surprise, which hasn’t happened very often for Deran to see. It’s been both comforting and horrifying, but right now Deran needs some of that appearing strenght, even if he’d been shaking to his core.  
  
Adrian’s still breathing too fast and his body is so tense, it’s like holding a manikin. They’re laying on the bed and Adrian’s bent down to Deran’s chest, hiding his face from something or someone, or maybe just trying to escape himself. Deran has never felt protective over anyone but Adrian and not on this level before. It’s an almost animalistic instinct, like there’s nothing stopping him from caring the whole way anymore. How it may look, what people may think, if Adrian wants him, what Deran will see when he looks into the mirror afterwards… He’s not thinking about any of that now, hasn’t for quite some time because it’s suddenly not important anymore.  
  
The fucking assholes who took Adrian were here. _They had the fucking nerve to show up at Deran’s bar._ There’s fury running through his veins as a shot of speed and there’s nothing he can do now. Nothing.  
  
”Deran…”  
”Yeah, babe?”  
”I’m scared… Sorry, but…”  
”Hey, hey… C’mere, man.”  
  
He’s shushing the man in his arms, calming and comforting him like it’s a natural thing for him. And by now maybe it is.  
  
Deran can’t stand seeing Adrian this scared, this broken like he’s not safe anywhere, not even with him. It feels like a failure because here, in Deran’s bar, Adrian should feel completely fucking safe.  
  
”How many of them?”  
”What?”  
”How many of them were here?”  
”I… How did you…?”  
  
Deran kisses his surprised lips.  
  
”How many?”  
”Only heard one but… I don’t know, man. I don’t know!”  
”Okay, okay… Don’t cry, babe. Please, don’t cry, I’m not gonna ask anymore, okay.”  
  
His boyfriend slowly relaxes, probably thanks to that magic little pill rather than Deran being a very good support. A part of him is simply mad he didn’t run after them with a gun because just comforting Adrian wont be enough. Deran wants, he _needs_ revenge but Adrian needs him more and that’s Deran’s compass now. The needle is pointing at Adrian and as long as that’s the case, Deran simply can’t find out who these assholes are and bury them alive as in his dreams.


	23. Adrian

”I don’t want you to.”  
”Why the hell not? They just walked right in here, man!”  
”Maybe because it’s a fucking bar.”  
”What? You’re just gonna let them get away with it, huh?”  
  
Deran’s angry and Adrian doesn’t blame him. The bar is closed, Heather’s left and it’s only him and Deran here now. Deran’s putting up chairs and Adrian’s sitting in one of the corners, leaning against the wall. The sounds from Deran’s cleaning are loud and irritated and they slam against Adrian’s ears.  
  
”Please stop.”  
”Stop what?”  
”Treating the fucking chairs like that.”  
”Well, it’s my fucking chairs.”  
”And my fucking ears, man!”  
  
They shouldn’t be arguing. The assholes left before anything happened and Deran doesn’t know who they were, has definately no security cameras and had lots of costumers tonight. Heather couldn’t help finding out who might have scared Adrian and no, they shouldn’t fight about it, but there’s only so many animalistic instincts Deran Cody can control and right now anger isn’t one of them. He puts the last chair up with a loud bang.  
  
”I’m gonna _kill_ them! Why didn’t you _fucking_ tell me who they were?!”  
”Maybe because I know how you’d act!”  
”You do, huh?”  
”Yeah! You’d loose your shit and try cutting them open with a bottle and then what?! You think I want to see you loose your bar, get hurt or… or fucking killed or in jail for murder for _this_?! It’s not worth it, Deran.”  
  
His boyfriend points at him with of the empty bottles, a gesture almost reminding of when he rose that fucking crowbar he broke into his apartment with and the eyes are cold.  
  
”You could’ve _died_.”  
”So could you!”  
”The hell are you talking about?”  
  
Adrian grabs the bottle and stares back.  
  
”You got raped and thrown in a fucking ditch, Deran. You think you’re the only one of us wanting someone killed?”  
”We’re not talking about me!”  
”No, but maybe we should!”  
”I’m not the one having nightmares and crying like…”  
”Like what? A _pussy_?”  
”No! Like I’m abut to go mad! You know how it is to… feel like you can’t do a shit to protect someone? Like you’re the main fucking reason all this shit happened? You think it’s easy to wonder everytime you see a guy, if he’s the one who took you? Or if you’ll ever come over it.”  
”No, because I know what that feels like, you fucking idiot! Not to mention I’ve seen what Smurf did to you for years, so don’t think I don’t know how it is to see someone getting caught up is sick shit, Deran. I don’t need a fucking white knight coming to my rescue, especially not one who’d end up in prison or get hurt afterwards!”  
  
Deran just stares at him.  
  
” _That’s_ what you’re worried about? Me ending up in prison again?”  
”That, or worse, and don’t you fucking tell me I’ve never had reason to fear that! I know you’d never be able to just do nothing when they showed up. You would’ve done something really fucking stupid and gained nothing from it. Tell me I’m wrong.”  
  
He sounds desperate and he is. Seeing Deran in guarded meetings where they can’t even touch each other after all they’ve been through simply isn’t an option. Not to Adrian and he swallows.  
  
”I’m… I’m not loosing you, _us_ , to that. You’ve done some fucked up shit, babe, but you’re no killer and you’re not becoming one now.”  
”I wasn’t going to…”  
”Actually kill them? I _know_ you, Deran. If you had those assholes right here tied up on some chairs, you’d shoot them without blinking and then what? I’d help you clean up the blood and get rid of the bodies, digging some fucking holes in the middle of the night, huh? Please, drop it!”  
  
Deran sits down on a chair, looking like he’s been defeated. No, crushed, and it’s not a pleasant sight. He rubs a hand over his face and sighs, searching in his pocket for a smoke, lights it and takes a deep breath. He’s not talking, seems lost for words and Adrian sinks down beside him, resting his head on Deran’s thigh. They sit like that, silent for a little while, and then Adrian feels a hand in his hair, slowly scratching his scalp.  
  
”I don’t know how… How to just go on like that… I really don’t, man. I just wanted to…”  
  
He’s crying. There are tears in Deran’s short beard and Adrian raises to sit on his lap, putting his arms around him and holds him close.  
  
”If you end up in jail, they’ve won. All of them. The asshole who raped you, the kidnappers, Smurf, my parents… Everyone who’ve tried to fuck with us. Is that what you want?”  
”No…”  
”Then don’t do it. Please, if this means anything to you, don’t do this… I beg you, Deran… Please…?”


	24. Deran

It goes against a basic core of himself. Not following this violent instinct which, in this case, is something even the most law obiding, church attending fucking saint would understand. Grab a fucking baseball bat, wait in the shadows if needed and then, take revenge. Beat them to a pulp and bury them somewhere in the desert, or throw their remains to the coyotes. No one should fuck with you or your bae. _Be a man._  
  
A man is in control and should he loose it, it’s because he wants to and he doesn’t feel fucking sorry for himself if he ends up a little hurt. Scars are a part of life, especially this kind of life and Deran’s been aware of that ever since he was a small child. He’s been afraid of Craig, of Baz and up until very recently, Pope. He’s always been afraid of his oldest brother and that’s one of few fears Deran actually think is pretty healthy. Pope’s sickness makes everyone scared because it’s uncontrollable in a whole other way, especially to Pope himself. When he looses control, or when Smurf is able to control him as much as she wishes to, Pope is not just an efficiant tool, he’s a leathal weapon. Compared to him, Deran has a lot of boundaries.  
  
”Please, Deran…?”  
  
Once, the plea would’ve made him angry. Deran sometimes wonders if the kid Adrian grew up with even existed in the form Adrian remembers. Was there a time when Deran would’ve backed off not because of fear but because someone begged him to? He’s forced himself not to think of the rapist, pretending he’s not bothered by him anymore, that he’s not secretly relieved not having to play the role as the horny, carefree guy right now. It’s so much easier, thinking he would fuck Adrian like they used to, but has no problem waiting until Adrian’s not in pain anymore.   
  
Adrian is heavy on his lap, but not relaxed and Deran tries to digest all the fears behind the plea. Jail and wounds are things you’re supposed to try and avoid, but they’re still inevitable parts of his life. Always have been. The five months he did behind bars is of course not a pleasant memory and Deran definately has his limits when it comes to certain crimes. He’s always been prepared doing time for robbery, four or five years is a price one may have to pay for this life and nothing to bitch about. But as he said to Pope and Baz when it came to digging up Smurf’s murder victim, he’s not doing fucking time for murder. He’s never been prepared to cross that line and it worried him when Baz seemed to be as indifferent about it as Smurf. Like it was just an inconvenience and not a fucking corpse.  
  
Deran knows, Adrian knows, should that line be crossed, should Deran actually kill someone even if he didn’t get caught, whatever’s left of the kid Adrian fell in love with, would be gone for good. Not even when he was in the worst denial of falling in love with Adrian and felt the most cornered by Smurf, Deran’s felt this conflicted. He nuzzles Adrian’s chest, letting the man’s soak up his tears.  
  
”Can’t promise that, Adrian. I… I want to, but I can’t promise I… But I’ll try to.”  
  
It’s all he can do because he can’t make himself lie. Adrian takes his head between his hands, thumbs stroking over Deran’s cheeks and the dark, serious eyes are not fully relieved but not desperate either.  
  
”Thank you.”  
  
There’s so much weight behind those two words. Adrian trusts him but he also knows what it costs Deran to make even a half promise like that. He’s just promised to try and give up another part of his old life and this time it has nothing to do with Smurf and everything to do with Adrian.


	25. Pope

”And?”  
”And what?”  
”Are you gonna do as he asked?”  
”I promised I’ll try.”  
  
Deran looks like he’s expecting a lecture from him. Pope leans back on his chair. They’re sitting in the closed bar and Adrian, according to Deran, is sleeping in the office space.   
  
”So, I guess you’re letting them get away with it?”  
”Don’t think I want to, okay!”  
”Then why did you promise?”  
”Because he asked me to.”  
  
Pope snorts.  
  
”Wouldn’t be the first time you’re breaking a promise.”  
”No, listen, this is different.”  
  
His baby brother rubs a hand over his face.  
  
”I love him, Pope.”  
”I know.”  
”How…? When did…?”  
”Fucks sake… You really think just because you never answered when I asked you, I wouldn’t know? Jesus, I knew you were no genious, but come on… We _all_ know, Deran, except maybe Baz but he doesn’t care enough to notice. You don’t have to say anything because it shows anyway.”  
”What about Smurf?”  
  
Deran’s clenching his fists, the worry is so visible it’s impossible to ignore.  
  
”Smurf only cares about herself, Deran, and we all know that.”  
”I meant Adrian. Does she know?”  
”Of course she knows, but I doubt she understands. She’s never loved anyone but herself and she would’ve kicked us all out if we’d not been of use to her. Julia wasn’t welcome back because of the drugs, but because Smurf had no use for her. If she’d cared for real, she would’ve sent Julia off to rehab and taken care of Jake when he was in diapers, not given her more money everytime she showed up and let her leave with the baby.”  
”You miss her? Julia.”  
  
Pope’s momentarily stunned. They hardly ever mention her and when they do, there are never any questions. Julia is – was – his other half and Pope’s never been able to create a bond with anyone else, within or outside the family, to make up for the loss of his twin sister. A sister he loved more than anyone in the world, a sister who’s mother hated her, which made it impossible to show that love without risking retribution from Smurf. Deran looks like he already knows the answer and considering how much he’s shown from his own secrets lately, Pope really has no reason to lie.  
  
”All the time.”  
  
And after all this time, it still hurts.


	26. Craig

”When’s daddy coming back?”  
”I don’t know, sweetheart.”  
  
Fuck this shit. He was supposed to attend a party, not babysitting while Smurf dragged Nicky along on some errend. It’s not that Craig doesn’t care about Lena, he just wasn’t prepared to switch from getting high and have a good time to watch cartoons and drink soda. And where the hell is Baz? Oh yes: on another trip somewhere with Lucy. In some ways, Baz sure as hell is Smurf’s son. Lena is coloring a picture and Craig tries to be an actual uncle.  
  
”What are you drawing?”  
”Uncle Deran and uncle Adrian.”  
  
Uncle Adrian? Craig hides a smile.  
  
”You sure have a lot of uncles, Lena.”  
”Uh-huh.”  
”You like Adrian?”  
  
She nods.  
  
”He tells me stories.”  
”Really? What kind of stories?”  
”Brambly Hedge. That’s my favourite.”  
”You miss him?”  
”Uncle Deran promised we could have ice cream with uncle Adrian.”  
”Oh. That sound nice.”  
”But uncle Adrian’s sick.”  
  
And she misses him, of course she does, because God knows this kid isn’t spoiled with attention these days. Craig looks at his cell. Lena should be in bed hours ago but she’s not sleepy and Craig’s tactic of letting her watch cartoon until she’s falling asleep, has failed completely. His niece seems determined to stay awake and Craig doesn’t know how to force someone who wont sleep, to stay in bed.  
  
”If you want to, we could call uncle Deran and ask if Adrian’s okay?”  
  
Lena immediately looses focus on the drawing and nods. Craig takes her in his lap and dials Deran’s number. He answers almost immediately.  
  
_”Yeah?”_  
”It’s Craig. You busy?”  
_”No, why?”_  
”Lena wants to know if Adrian’s okay.”  
_”Shouldn’t she be in bed by now? Where’s Smurf?”_  
”Out.”  
_”And you’re letting the kid stay up this late?”_  
_”Is Lena still up?”_  
  
Fussy Pope in the background, of course. Craig sighs.  
  
”I’m giving her the phone now, Deran.”  
  
For not being dads, and probably not even wanting to, Pope and Deran sure as hell sound like they are. And Craig has serious thoughts of knocking Baz’s teeth out when it pleases the asshole to show up. At least, Lena seems happier as soon as she gets her absent uncles on the phone. Better that, then going to bed on time, feeling like her uncles are as uninterested in her as her absent father.


	27. Adrian

He wakes up screaming. Deran isn’t there, it’s dark and the nightmare’s following Adrian out from sleep. Where is he? Where’s Deran and where did the men and woman go? Are they coming back for him? And what’s Lena doing here? They took her too?!  
  
”Adrian? No, no, c’mere, babe. You had a nightmare? Pope, turn the lights on! Adrian, it’s me! Look at me, babe, it’s Deran and you’re safe. It was just a nightmare, Adrian. You’re safe here, c’mere.”  
  
He clings onto him and the nightmare slowly fades, the world turns familiar and safe again in Deran’s arms. Somewhere in this state, Adrian’s vaguely aware that there’s something not right about crying in the presence of others than Deran, that he should stop or Pope should leave. That Adrian should be ashamed of himself and Deran embarressed.  
  
”Hey, look at me, hon.”  
  
Blue, warm eyes. Not angry ones. Adrian sighs and another wave of tears washes over him as Deran presses him close again.  
  
”Don’t cry, hon, t’was just a nightmare.”  
”Where’s she?”  
”Where’s who?”  
”I lost her… Lena… I lost her!”  
  
An unfamiliar hand strokes his hair and when Adrian looks, two brown eyes are meeting his gaze.  
  
”Lena’s with Craig, Adrian. It was just a bad dream. Nothing’s happened and you didn’t loose anyone.”  
”You’re safe, babe. You’re completely safe here.”  
  
There’s only tenderness, nothing but soft words and soothing touches. Medicine too, which Adrian gladly accepts along with some water, but the voice, the familiar scent and touch is what brings him back in full.  
  
”Can you get me a wet cloth, Pope? And a towel and… Thanks.”  
  
Pope’s already found one of Deran’s shirts and Deran helps Adrian out of the soaked tanktop and starts dabbing his sticky skin. Adrian doesn’t mind that Pope sees it and it feels really good to get cooled down a bit, dried off on the back and eventually having a new shirt on. Pope moves towards to kitchen.  
  
”I’ll make something to drink.”  
”He can’t drink now, for fucks sake.”  
”I was thinking hot chocolate, you idiot. Get him dry and keep him warm, will you? Jesus…”  
  
Pope disappears and Deran kisses Adrian on the lips. Adrian manages a small smile.   
  
”Bed’s soaked…”  
”I have more sheets.”  
  
More sheets, more clothes, more water. _More of me to give you._ Adrian cries again, this time from relief. He didn’t loose Deran, he’s still here. They’re still together. _  
_


	28. Deran

”I’m sorry…”  
”For what? You had a nightmare, ti’s not as if you asked for it.”  
  
Lighting a fire was a good idea. So was the chocolate. Pope’s company is, despite Adrian’s vulnerable state and how unused Deran is to actually show this kind of tenderness, actually more than welcome right now. He’s the only one of the Cody’s who’s inherited anything of Smurf’s housekeeping skills and when Deran had helped Adrian to the bathroom for a quick shower, the bed was remade, the floor mopped and the window opened to air out. And the hot chocolate is nice too.  
  
Pope looks at them, no at Adrian, with his undecipherable eyes.  
  
”You don’t have to feel ashamed about this, you know. Spent five years in prison and I woke up crying sometimes too. I often had nightmares.”  
  
Adrian doesn’t seem to know what to answer and Deran is just stunned. Not that he thought Pope never cried in prison, only psychopaths don’t cry in there, but because he admitted it. Just like that. Deran has Adrian on his lap, leaning onto him and it doesn’t feel strange anymore. That Pope can see it, has seen all this vulnerability. Deran no longer has to ask himself if will be used against them in some way, or just judged.  
  
”Look, you should talk.”  
  
Pope sips on his chocolate and Deran sighs.  
  
”What are you, a therapist?”  
  
Pope snorts.  
  
”All I’m saying is that this shit’s gonna eat you both if you don’t talk. Some things… you can’t just shut up about them without making it worse.”  
”Who said we’re not talking?”  
  
Deran knows he sounds defensive but he can’t help it and Adrian pats his hand.  
  
”Babe…”  
”What?”  
”He’s trying to help us.”  
  
When did this happen? How did things turn around so completely in just a few months? How come he’s no longer afraid of Pope? That Adrian isn't? That the, apart from Smurf, most dangerous person in both their lives has become their rock? Deran’s always been afraid of his oldest brother, for good reasons, but as unpredictable and dangerous as Pope is, he’s still the one who’s shown more care and understanding than any other.  
  
Craig may have been the one who pulled Deran out of the closet with no judgement what so ever, but Pope’s seen weakness within him, Deran had hoped no one would witness. Where Craig would’ve been too high in the clouds to understand and Smurf too manipulative to do anything but destroy, disguised as help, Pope’s simply just been there.  
  
Pope scratches his head.  
  
”You two… It’s pretty increadible.”  
”Yeah? How so?”  
”Well… For a start, most guys wouldn’t have made it more than a week after Belize.”  
  
Adrian laughs.  
  
”You’re an expert on relationships now, huh?”  
”You kept it a secret for two fucking years without Smurf knowing and here you are now… That’s… for our family, it’s pretty fucking amazing. I don’t think anyone of us has had a relationship this long…”  
”What about Baz and Cath?”  
”Baz cheated on her and he doesn’t care about people. You… you’re different. And Smurf isn’t controlling you anymore.”  
  
_Yes she is_ , Deran wants to say, but he stops himself. He needs some encouragement now and so does Adrian. It’s hard to see how far they’ve come right now, in this very moment. When you’re in the midst of a change as big as this and it feels like you’re getting nowhere, it’s so easy to become blind for how many steps you’ve actually taken.


	29. Adrian

When he opens his eyes, he knows almost immediately it’s early. As in hitting the waves early. Adrian feels heavy from the meds, but otherwise… good. He had a really bad dream last night but Deran and Pope helped him. He has a vague memory of having warm chocolate, falling asleep in Deran’s lap and being carried to bed. They were talking… No, Pope was talking about prison and nightmares and Deran was… not afraid anymore and nor was Adrian. The both slept after that.  
  
Deran’s curled around him, the warm and sweet scent of his hair tickling Adrian’s nose and Adrian brushes his lips over the blonde head.  
  
”Good morning.”  
”Morning… What time is it?”  
”Too early to work, no too late to surf.”  
”Didn’t the doc say something about three or four weeks until…”  
”Not me, silly. You.”  
  
His sleepish boyfriend finally opens his eyes.  
  
”I don’t want to go surfing by myself.”  
”Not even if I’m taking a swim in the meantime?”  
”If you’re going for a swim, I’ll fucking tie myself onto you. Those meds… I mean…”  
”Alright, no surfing or swimming for me. How about waiting on the beach?”  
”Doing what?”  
  
Adrian rolls his eyes.  
  
”Building sandcastles? I need some fresh air and sun, Deran. Simple as that. And I’d rather watch you surf than stumble over your beer boxes all morning and think too much. Besides, I really need to get home and do some laundry too, so I thought you could give me a ride when you’re done surfing.”  
”Or we could use Baz’s washing machine. I mean, he lives by the beach and we’ve taken care of his daughter quite a lot… Pope has the key.”  
”I don’t know… It feels kinda weird.”  
  
Deran laughs and pulls him close.  
  
”Lets see… Smurf has three sons with three different fathers and one daughter who’s son she’s been walsing around halfnaked, making martinis in fucking lingerie. She’s been walking in on all of us in the shower, to collect our laundry and Baz is just dumping his kid onto Pope and us like she’s not confused enough already and you think borrowing a washing machine is a little too much?”  
  
He’s so pretty like this. Bright eyes, almost easy laughter as if he’s already forgotten about the nightmares and anxiety. Adrian brushes a thumb over his cheek, smiling.  
  
”Alright… lets go then.”


	30. Deran

It feels good, it definately does, but he can’t really enjoy it. The waves are fine but he’s constantly looking at the beach and the man sitting in the sand, waiting. Surfing without Adrian just doesn’t feel… right. Usually the ocean can make Deran forget almost any bullshit and worries, but not today and way sooner than usual, he makes it back to shore and the shower.  
  
”Deran?”  
  
He almost jumps and when he turns around, there are three chicks standing there, laughing at his surprise. He’s pretty sure he’s met them all, but has no idea where or what their names are.  
  
”Uhm… hi.”  
  
Awkward as usual. The chick who apparantly knows who he is, comes forward, dressed in a bikini Craig would drool all over and Deran looks around, searching for Adrian. Fuck. He’s probably waiting by the car and Deran is so not in the mood for this. The chick smiles.  
  
”What’s up? Haven’t seen you around much lately.”  
”No, I… I’ve been busy. The bar, you know.”  
”Yeah, you fixed that place up really nice.”  
”Thanks. And you?”  
”Oh, I’ve had a lot to do in school. Not much time for surfing.”  
”Same.”  
  
For fucks sake, why can’t he remember her name or where he’s met her?  
  
”How did it turn out with Becky?”  
”Becky?”  
”At Craigs party? In your house. You had something going on in the couch…”  
  
Oh. Damnit. He’s tried to forget that party because that was the day when Adrian broke up with him and Deran shrugs.  
  
”Yeah, well… I’m seeing someone, so… Not Becky.”  
  
Someone. As in a girl, because that’s what someone means to these chicks since they don’t know and Deran is suddenly tired of this. Of pretending that girls are doing anything for him, that Adrian’s just a friend. That Deran’s something he’s not. He nods at the car where Adrian’s waiting.  
  
”I’m with Adrian.”  
”Yeah, I can see that.”  
  
The chick laughs. She doesn’t understand and her two friends look amused too. Deran strokes back his hair. This really does nothing for him and he’s done pretending. Period.  
  
”No, I mean, I’m _with_ Adrian. We’re… dating.”  
”Oh…”  
  
Man, the look on her face. It’s fucking priceless and Deran has a hard time not laughing as she looks at Adrian and he smiles back.  
  
”I didn’t know you… I mean…”  
  
Deran laughs.  
  
”Trust me, I didn’t know at first either.”  
  
She’s completely taken aback and Deran takes his stuff, still smiling.  
  
”I gotta go but it was nice seeing you. Take care.”  
”Yeah… see you.”  
  
When he comes back to the car, Adrian gives him a questioning look.  
  
”Who was that?”  
”I really have no idea. Probably someone Craig invited to a party sometime.”  
”She looked a little disappointed when you left.”  
”Yeah, I guess she wasn’t prepared for a Cody who’s not into tits. I… uhm… I may have told her that we’re… you know… a couple.”  
  
Deran’s not sure if he’s done the right thing. Their relationship isn’t a secret but they’re not really open either because honestly they’ve had other shit to deal with. He peers at Adrian.  
  
”You mad?”  
”For finally having a boyfriend who’s not afraid of what others might think? Take a guess.”  
  
There are people here. It’s not crowded but it’s a parking lot and people are passing them, seeing them. Deran puts a hand around Adrian’s neck and pulls him close. The kiss is sweet, slow and Deran can feel his cheeks heat from it. Not since Belize, has being in love felt this easy. Or this nerve wreckening.


	31. Adrian

”You’re looking better, man.”  
”Thanks. Feel better too.”  
  
He can’t help but feeling a little guilty. Deran dropped him off, the shop is more or less swimming with boards and Tao looks tired. He’s having an assistent that Pope probably pays for, a pretty good worker but it still means more work for Tao. Adrian looks at the notice board where they write down the orders and on one hand it’s good to see they’re still popular, but it’s also too much work for one guy and an assistent.  
  
”I promise I’ll be back soon.”  
”Don’t promise too much.”  
  
Tao takes his goggles off.  
  
”We’re doing good, Adrian. Sure, it’s a lot of work but we don’t have to worry about the rent and Matt is good kid, eager to learn and he doesn’t fuck around, you know. Shows up on time, no whining and the costumers aren’t complaining too much.”  
”Too much?”  
  
Tao laughs at his apparantly horrified look.  
  
”People aren’t coming here for me, you know. They want _your_ work.”  
  
Adrian snorts.  
  
”Yeah, like they’d know the difference.”  
”You’re a brand, Adrian. Matt looked like he was entering some fucking holy ground when he started. By the way, he should show up soon. You want to meet your admirer?”  
”Not today. But tell him I’m glad he’s filling in for me.”  
  
Tao makes a teasing grin.  
  
”If I say that, he’ll be over the fucking moon. Thought it was enough to deal with Deran.”  
”Please don’t tell me he’s gay.”  
”Nah, probably just a fanboy. It’ll pass when he’s experienced you on low blood sugar.”  
  
Adrian laughs. Tao has a good point.  
  
”You’re sure you can manage a little while longer? I mean, you look stressed, man.”  
”Seriously, Adrian, don’t worry about it. What’s the point in getting back too early if you only end up sick again?”  
”You’re right… Well, you’re getting some paid time off for this when it’s possible.”  
  
Tao just waves him off.  
  
”Already counted on that. Now go before Matt shows up, or you’ll be stuck here while he goes through all your competitions.”  
”Jesus…”  
”Told you. Total fanboy. Good to see you’re better, man and say hello to Deran from me. Haven’s seen him here at all since you got ill.”  
  
Tao lets the indirect question hang in the air and Adrian doesn’t answer it with more than an ”I’ll tell him” and then he just nods, smiles and leaves the shop. He really needs to get some sleep now.


	32. Deran

He’s proud of himself for not calling although it may be due to the work. Since dropping Adrian off, he’s been running between a delivery, the laundry – thank God for cellphone alarms otherwise he’d never remember! – and the bookkeeping. Being too busy to worry – no, to worry enough to call him – is probably good but bloody hell, it’s not easy going legit and being a decent boyfriend at the same time. On the good side, it leaves very little time to overthink stuff and that’s also good right now.  
  
It’s good that Adrian’s off to the shop alone. Of course it is. And it’s bright day so… No, he’s not going there! Adrian’s not a fucking child and no one will suddenly snatch him off again. He’s not supposed to be a prisoner in Deran’s bar, for fucks sake and Deran’s promised not to be a possessive creep again. The line between that and normal caring is not always clear to him and to be honest, Deran’s still afraid Adrian will feel trapped or controlled by him.  
  
Finally, after been biting his nails for a while, Deran decides to text him. Not to ask where he is or when he will come back, but something more subtle. Like what he wants for lunch No, _if_ he wants lunch. Fuck, this is a game hard to learn and Deran’s not sure if it’s even a game, but simply normal fucking behavior he never learned. Should you just assume your boyfriend doesn’t have other plans? When he’s sent it, he puts the phone away, angrily taking the sudden tension out on the innocent garbage with a ridiculous kick.  
  
The phone soon vibrates. _I’ll get us something. BLT or chicken?_ Chicken. Why’s he feeling so damn relieved from a fucking text about lunch? They’ve been parted for like… two hours, for fucks sake. What is this? Fucking highschool drama? _  
  
_ Deran sinks down on his office chair and puts the phone away. His body must’ve been tense without him noticing it because he suddenly feels like a ragdoll. With a fucking boner. To hell with thinking, he needs to get off now before Adrian comes back or, God forbid, someone else decides to drop by. He scrambles to the bathroom, locks the door – he’s already made _that_ mistake twice – and hauls his cock out. It’s been a long time since he actually fucked Adrian and he misses it. The image comes to him easily as he starts stroking himself. He pictures Adrian on his back, hands grabbing his own hair, legs swirled around Deran’s hips as he’s moaning everytime Deran hits his prostrate. He’s closing his eyes, wettening his palm and keeps working his cock, in his mind buried deep in Adrian’s tight, warm ass.   
  
He comes almost embarressingly fast, but some of the tension is gone and that’s the fucking point right now. That and not being walked in on by someone and he wipes himself off quickly and heads out for a smoke. It’s bright and sunny outside and Deran tries not to look too anxiously at the road but at least seem to be unbothered and relaxed. He finishes his smoke fast and just when he’s about to have another one, Adrian’s car drives up next to his own truck and Deran’s heart speeds up a few seconds. When Adrian comes out, he’s smiling and gives Deran a kiss.   
  
”You worried?”  
  
Deran wants to lie because he can’t admit being a fucking mother hen, but he just blushes and shrugs.   
  
”I’m not following you around, you know… Or having someone to…”  
”I know. That wasn’t what I asked.”  
  
Even after all the panic attacks and nightmares and shit, Adrian’s eyes still seem so calm. Deran swallows.  
  
”Uhm… you talked to Tao?”  
”Yeah. Businesses are good, nothing to worry about.”  
”That’s good.”  
  
Adrian holds up a bag filled with sandwiches.  
  
”Hungry?”  
”Starving.”  
  
It always feels better when Adrian helps him escape from a topic or feeling Deran really doesn’t know how to handle and they head back inside. Deran silently congratulates himself for getting off earlier, because sick and sore or not, Adrian’s still got an amazing ass and flesh is weak.


	33. Adrian

Two horny guys of whom one’s too tense to bottom and the other probably never wants to bottom again. In a way, it would’ve been easier if they’d never crossed the line of switching to begin with because even though it’s been more than two years, Adrian’s pretty sure Deran remembers it as clear as he does. _If I… forget about this tomorrow, you should know you were amazing…_ His skittish lover’s way of telling him that should he feel ashamed later, it didn’t mean he didn’t like it. So sad but also a kind of sweet memory, because Deran was more concearned with what he might throw in Adrian’s face once they’d come down, than his own feelings.   
  
Adrian’s quite certain that whatever Deran would’ve wanted to repeat from that night, it’s been erased by the rape. He feels guilty wanting to top again, for wishing Deran would ride him or spread eagle… If Deran never wants Adrian near his ass again, that’s fine. Adrian wouldn’t dream of bitching about that. It’s just… Why can’t things just be a little fucking easier? This roller coaster of shit is so exhausting for both of them and it seems like whenever one of them is more stable, the other one stumbles into another pile of shit. At least Deran’s sex drive isn’t gone, because the look on his face spoke pretty clear about what he’d been up to – and that it worked.  
  
Adrian’s sitting on the bed, watching series on Deran’s laptop. After they had lunch, Adrian was too tired doing anything but sleeping and he woke up shortly before Deran opened the bar for the night. For once Deran didn’t seem worried about the weariness. He was, on the contrary, completely calm when he came to check on him. He looked good in his old, black denim shirt and closed his eyes, smiling when Adrian removed the scrunchie, letting the long hair down and cardened his fingers through it. Adrian still keeps counting little gems like that, because they’ve been so rare even in their best moments. Deran’s fear has deep roots and it takes time to dig them up. Sometimes you have to be content just carving out some more space around them, to let them breathe. And sometime that means just petting hair.  
  
The sounds coming from the bar are familiar and comforting by now. Adrian knows no one will come through that door without Deran’s permission and it feels good to trust that. The backdoor has been improved with a safety chain as well and the windows are way too narrow for anyone but a small kid to get through. Adrian can wear the headphones without constantly looking up. The meds help too, a lot, but having this little safe space right now honestly does so much more.  
  
He hears the low music and Deran talking to some guests, sounding a little rushed but not uneasy. He actually told a random party acquaintance they’re a couple. That he’s with Adrian, meaning he’s not with anyone else even for pretending and Adrian smiles to himself. Deran might have been the one in a closet, but being kept in the Belize shadow, hasn’t been fun either. Now Adrian’s sitting on a bed meant for two, a lot of things are still fucked up but this is the safest place they’ve had together since those first unnamed feelings hit them. Before, during and after Belize.   
  
There have been others, of course. Mostly out of necessity. For Adrian to get what Deran couldn’t give him. For Deran to hide from what he truly wanted. Because it’s not just about falling for the same sex, but for your best friend and sometimes Adrian thinks that’s been the biggest issue of all.  



	34. Deran

”You had a good night?”  
”It was okay. How are you feeling?”  
”A bit tired, but otherwise it’s… good, I guess. I missed you tonight. Does that make sense?”  
  
He’s not good at this, answering things like that. What he is good at, is blushing. He gives his boyfriend a mock tug in the dark hair.  
  
”You’re silly, man.”  
”I can live with that.”  
  
Fucking hell, he’s gorgeous. Scruffy hair and freckles all over. Deran puts a hand on his neck and kisses him. He’s a little faster than he means to and the surprise makes Adrian back. Deran immediately lets go.  
  
”Fuck… Adrian, I didn’t mean to…”  
  
He’s silenced by warm lips. Adrian tastes from orange juice, not beer, and he moves closer, backing Deran until he’s meeting the desk and Deran leans onto it, widening his legs. Adrian brushes himself against him, the feeling of his half hard cock eliciting fucking goose-bumps on Deran’s skin. The kiss is heated and they’re both breathing fast when they finally break it. Adrian leans his head onto Deran’s chest.  
  
”Is there any way we can do this without…”  
”Fucking up?”  
  
Adrian laughs and plants a kiss on the side of his neck.  
  
”Fuck without fuck things up… Sounds good to me, babe, but I’m too sore and you…”  
”I’ve been raped. Yeah, it’s not exactly an ideal situation, huh.”  
  
He says it, just like that and the world doesn’t fall into pieces. Adrian doesn’t move away and Deran’s not turning into… something else, whatever it was he feared would happen. The hand in his hair is soft, caring, bringing him closer again for another sweet kiss and when Adrian moans softly, pressing his hips harder against him, Deran swirls his legs around them.  
  
”You okay, babe?”  
”Yeah… You?”  
”Uh-huh…”  
”No stress, Deran. Okay?”  
”Okay…”  
”I want this but if it doesn’t work or… if any of us wants to stop, it’s alright. No… fucking pressure.”  
”No fucking pressure, babe.”


	35. Adrian

Of all the guys he’s been with – that sounded like he’s been laying around a lot, didn’t it? – no one’s felt as insecure as Deran. There’s always been so many barriers to cross before they can just have sex and enjoy it the way they want to. One fucking veil after another and beneath each one a slightly less scared Deran. The fear has many faces, Adrian’s learned, but essentially it’s about rejection. It’s not easy loving a man who never learned how to accept anything but small, fickle crumbles of love.  
  
Their shirts are gone but they’ve remained by the desk and Adrian realises Deran’s letting him set the pace. Adrian slides his palms over Deran’s back, slow and firm. He loves how the smooth skin forms goosebumps under his hands, how the muscles move from it. The male body is what he craves and Deran is simply a wet dream in that regard. Normally they’d be much further gone by now and it’s a bit worrying going this fucking slow, but fact is they could both end up hurt if they’re taking onto their usual pace.  
  
Adrian sinks his teeth down just a little into Deran’s shoulder, getting an encouraging squeeze around his ass and Adrian starts wandering up, worrying the skin with nibbles and tickling scrapes from his teeth, leaving a slightly wet trail all the way to the sensitive spot behind Deran’s right ear. Deran gasps and grinds up against him, they both moan from it and Deran’s arms come around him, pressing him impossibly closer and his boyfriend rubs his nose against Adrian’s ear.  
  
”I… I wish you…”  
  
The voice is strained and Adrian moves slower, softer. Deran sighs.  
  
”I want to fuck you… or… for you to fuck me…”  
  
Adrian startles.  
  
”What?”  
  
He moves so they can see each other and Deran’s face is flushed, insecurity, fear and longing written all over it. He looks so awkward and Adrian loves it, just loves how Deran’s trying to open up even if he’s scared as hell.   
  
”In Belize, you know… Never really talked about it but… I never forgot a second of it and… Uhm… I liked it. No, it was fucking awesome, man, and I never told you that… I mean, if it’s been like even… _half_ as good for you when I…”  
  
Deran’s voice dies and Adrian cups his chin and kisses him, catching the mouth and saves the blushing cheeks from his eyes. Sometimes, being wrong is so much better than being right.


	36. Deran

Wanting isn’t doing. He’s so embarressed, feeling like he’s put on display but he was the one speaking out. No one forced him and it’s like diving into unknown water, like he’s going to drown, lost in the sea with nowhere to go. He’s loosing himself so hard right now, he can barely breathe. And Adrian’s there to catch him.  
  
The kisses remind of Belize. Of nervous heat and a lust he’d not known he could feel, stirring up deep down in his belly, setting all his senses on alert as if his body hissed a surprised, breathy _oh… oh, is this how it should’ve felt with girls?!_ He’s not that freaked out guy anymore, needing the weed to hide from his feelings, but there are other barriers in the way. He’s finally admitted that although they only switched once and never really talked about it, especially not after Belize, not only does he not regret it, but he really liked it.  
  
Adrian moves slowly, but he’s not hesitating. He knows what he’s doing and the firm, yet soft hands take their sweet time, skating over Deran’s torso, entangling in his hair and it’s so new, not having anything to cloud his mind with, not even the capability of self-denial. He wants this, wants to erase the memory of the rape and revive the one from Belize because when he allows himself to remember how Adrian felt that time without shame, the colours of that memory turn brighter and it’s stepping out of the shadow. He snorts and snickers when Adrian simply grabs him under his ass and carries him to the bed.  
  
”Seriously…?”  
  
Adrian grins as he lowers Deran onto the bed and bends down to kiss him. Deran closes his eyes, not because he wants to, but he must. He can’t handle seeing Adrian right now, feeling him is enough and a part of him wants Adrian to ride him again but he also wants this. He’s so hard and the clothed grinding from Adrian’s cock makes him moan, but the man’s going limp and Deran breaks the kiss.  
  
”What’s wrong? You in pain?”  
”No, it’s just the meds.”  
  
Adrian’s smile is a little sad, but his eyes are happy and he strokes his thumb over Deran’s lips.  
  
”The shit we’ve been through… It’s affecting us, can’t help that, but it can’t take away everything, Deran. I mean, we’re not fucking teens. We know shit’s affecting us and if it doesn’t work now, if I can’t fuck you or you want me to stop, then we’ll stop and just do something else, you know. I mean… I love you.”  
”I love you too.”  
”I know, and we don’t have to pretend, babe. Fucks sake, Deran, you’re great in bed and it’s fucking ridiculous if any of us think we have something to prove at this point.”  
  
He lowers and gives Deran a slow kiss.  
  
”If you want me to stop, it doesn’t matter how far we’ve gotten or if I’m about to come, because we’ll stop right there, as I know you’ll stop at any second if I tell you to.”  
  
Trust. Without it, there can be no real love. Deran’s starting to understand that now and when Adrian starts unbuckling his belt, Deran just rests his hands lightly on Adrian’s thighs, closes his eyes and lets go.


	37. Adrian

They’re both tense and sore, but their occasional hisses from it are followed by smiles, even laughters. Cursing. _Why the hell can’t it ever be simple?_ Adrian laughs when Deran says that, an exhausted laughter, not because he’s too tired to do this, just so fucking knackered inside from the big and small obstacles on their way since Belize.   
  
The meds are working in two ways now. On one side, they make the pain and tension go down a lot and on the other fucking side, they don’t exactly help his cock. When Deran notices his worry, he turns them carefully so Adrian’s down on his back and moves down. He bypasses Adrian’s cock for now, just nibbles and licks around the base, fondles the balls in his palm and lets out a pleased sound.   
  
”You’re shaved…”  
  
Adrian hums only to take a sharp breath when Deran takes him all the way down in one go.  
  
”Oh fuck…”  
  
Deran’s mouth is hot and wet and Adrian tugs at the sheet as the nimble tongue slides over the head, teasingly soft, like heated velvet. He’s hardening fast and scissors his legs around Deran’s back as his hips are kept down by calloused hands, stopping him from thrusting up. Deran sucks down on the head, probing at the slit and Adrian all but mewls, causing his lover to stop and look up with an amused, heated gaze. Adrian grabs his arms and locks him down on his chest. He can feel how hard Deran is and when he pulls his head close, he can taste himself in the kiss.  
  
Deran rests upon him, letting Adrian card through his hair as they kiss. Their hearts beat fast, like chased animals and Adrian slides his cock up between Deran’s thighs, just brushing and Deran swallows, goes tense for a moment and then lifts himself onto his hands, hoovering over Adrian.  
  
”I want this but…”  
”What?”  
”I really want to, but I have to, you know… prepare…”  
  
Adrian just takes the worried head between his hands and kisses the lips, holding two fingers before the blue eyes.  
  
”Got lube?”  
  
Deran nods and scrambles to his desk, quickly returning with the bottle and Adrian pulls him into a hug.  
  
”How do you want it?”  
  
Deran takes a deep breath, bending his head into Adrian’s neck.  
  
”Face… I… I need to see your face…”


	38. Deran

Hands and knees or spread eagle would’ve been easier now, he knows that, but he can’t just know and feel, he has to see it’s Adrian. He doesn’t trust his own mind not to make pictures of it’s own, of the things he doesn’t want to be reminded of, doesn’t want to remember at all. And this is how they did it in Belize, before they came home and Deran no longer could make himself look Adrian in the eyes during sex.  
  
”Hey… where are you?”  
  
Adrian’s smile is so sweet, relaxed and he makes circles over Deran’s chest and belly. Deran takes his hand, it’s warm and a little rough.  
  
”I’m right here.”  
  
He reaches up to kiss him again, hearing how Adrian opens the bottle of lube and Deran wants to close his eyes but he can’t, not yet and he just turns away from Adrian’s gaze but keeps his eyes opened and fixed on the hand holding his own.  
  
Adrian proceeds like in Belize, taking Deran’s cock in his mouth again as he, very, very gently pushes a finger inside him, just halfways and nothing horrible happens. It doesn’t hurt, Deran doesn’t go tense and the touch isn’t reminding him of anything or anyone but Adrian. He moves towards him, showing he wants it and grabs Adrian’s shoulder to have something to hold onto.  
  
”S’it alright, babe?”  
”Yeah… Keep… keep going…”  
  
He’s squeezing Adrian’s shoulder harder when the finger moves again, carefully and brushing. Adrian strokes him slowly and for long moments, before adding a second finger, scissoring him gently and Deran breathes louder.  
  
”You feel good?”  
”Uh-huh… More… please…”  
  
Deran spreads his legs further apart, pressing his heels into the mattress as the two fingers become three, now much wetter and then Adrian leans closer, catching one of his nipples between his lips.  
  
”Fuck… Jesus, Adrian…”  
”Nah, just me, babe.”  
  
The angle suddenly changes and Deran groans loud as his prostrate is touched. He’s so hard, leaking all over his belly and Adrian’s working him slow but a little harder and he feels how wet he’s becoming, loosening with every slick stroke. He has no illusions about who it is. His body only sings out Adrian, Adrian, fucking Adrian right now and he wants him, wants this so badly. When the fingers are removed, Deran whines from the loss and throws an arm around him, pulling him down for a kiss. Adrian is so warm, his scent so familiar Deran’s mind can’t wander off in any unwanted direction. He’s lost in the now and Adrian scoots down while holding his hand, not letting go as he kneels between Deran’s legs, using his free hand to arrange them spread over his lap.  
  
”You remember this?”  
  
Adrian’s smiling and Deran squeezes his hand.  
  
”Fucking butterfly, right?”  
”Uh-huh.”  
  
He strokes Deran’s belly, pets him in a way no one’s been allowed to before, at least not during sex and Deran spreads wider, moves himself closer up onto his lap.  
  
”Go on… please…”  
  
The anticipation, the worry, the memories are all too much for him and Adrian understands. He lifts Deran’s hips to get closer and Deran bites his lip, feeling Adrian’s cock brush against his rim, sliding up and down. He closes his eyes when he hears the pop from the bottle of lube as Adrian slicks himself up, probably more than he actually needs to but apparently he’s not gonna take any chances and that realisation just makes Deran relax further.  
  
When he feels the head press against his hole, he squeezes his hands, his eyes harder.  
  
”Deran, look at me.”  
  
Blue eyes. Freckles. Nothing but want, love and kindness in Adrian’s face as he enters, inch by inch, so slow Deran hardly feels the slight burn from the first breech. Once he’s almost all the way in, Adrian stills and bends down, nuzzling Deran’s nose and puts a hand under his neck. The kiss is sweet, slow and then, Adrian starts moving.  
  
It’s so slow, but good. Adrian squeezes his neck with one hand, petting his belly with the other and kisses him while he moves with a snails speed. It’s almost too careful, bordering on tickling and Deran uses his legs to pull Adrian closer. Adrian breaks the kiss.  
  
”You okay?”  
”Only if you stop teasing me…”  
  
Deran pushes himself further up, scissoring his legs around Adrian’s hips.  
  
”Fuck me.”  
  
Adrian leans down again to kiss him and Deran moans in his mouth when the pace and speed increase, when Adrian thrusts in all the way, hitting his prostrate.  
  
The world outside their coupling vanishes and Deran forgets about all things in his mind that separates him from Adrian and this moment. All he’s aware of is how good it feels, how big Adrian is inside him and the ecstasy building up deep down in his belly. He’s clenching and releasing, meeting the thrusts as his cock leaks steadily and he no longer remembers why he wouldn’t allow himself this, barely notices he’s getting louder. When Adrian starts stroking his cock in counterpoint, Deran’s a needy mess, chasing pleasure and crying out for him to go harder, hips meeting Adrian’s thrusts almost desperately and Deran swirls his legs around him, shoulders pressed down as his lower back rises, curling to a bow and he comes hard, nothing but wave after wave of white pleasure washing through his body.  
  
Adrian moves to get his arms around Deran’s back, slowing his thrusts to a grind as he places kisses all over Deran’s face. Deran feels boneless and the slow pace milks out the last of his orgasm, he’s so wet and loose, exhausted but all his senses still on alert. Adrian’s hips starts to stutter and Deran feels how close he is, can almost see the very moment when he comes, how his jaw drops and his eyelashes flutter and then the unabashed groan when Adrian fills him up, clutching Deran close and bends down to his shoulder, cradling him in his arms as they crash together.


	39. Adrian

”Didn’t think I’d get it up…”  
”I didn’t think you’d get it in.”  
  
They’re laughing. The bed is soaked in sweat, so are their skin and they’re sharing a joint, Adrian leaning against Deran’s chest as they laugh, exhausted and breathless. He shivers a little, once again noticing the air and Deran reaches for the pile of clothes on the shelf, puts the joint between his own lips before pulling a clean hoodie over Adrian’s head.  
  
”It’s gonna get all sweaty and grouse you know.”  
”You’d rather freeze, huh?”  
”No.”  
”Then take it and shut up.”  
”Hey!”  
  
He gives his boyfriend a mock tug in the tangled hair and takes back the joint. Deran rubs his arms over the warm fabric and the gesture that once was unthinkable feels so natural now.  
  
”I’m sorry…”  
”For what?”  
”You know… all the shit I said about guys like us…”  
  
_Us._ Adrian takes his skittish boyfriend’s hand and curls up onto his chest again.  
  
”Thank you.”  
  
Saying ”it’s not a big deal” or ”don’t think about it” would be wrong. Deran’s apology is about so much more than some slurs. It’s about the distance he created, the one he’s been erasing piece by piece for quite some time now, after years of self-hatred, fear and shame. It’s not primarly about being gay, but about letting the fear of Smurf eat him up to a point where he’d rather keep himself in a leash and take that frustration out on others than searching for understanding. Apologising for that is as huge as it’s necessairy.  
  
They’ve been in love with each other for many years, most of them spent in some kind of denial or silence, and they’ve given up a lot on the way, for laying in this bed together like this right now. Not months, _years_ , and just as Adrian knows he’s been the only _real_ one for Deran, he’s ready to admit it’s the same for him. Whenever they’ve been parted more than a couple of days, no matter the reason, something’s simply been missing.  
  
Adrian didn’t want the Deran he broke up with, but he missed the one he fell in love with. To have him back again, _all_ of him, is about as close to heaven on earth as Adrian can think of. Because they’re not afraid of each other anymore.


	40. Pope

”What’s up with Deran?”  
”What?”  
”He’s acting… strange.”  
  
Pope and Craig both laugh and J looks puzzled. The kid is smart, Pope gives him that, but when it comes to this he’s about as clueless as Craig on bad coke. They’re at Deran’s bar before it opens for the night and Pope’s youngest brother is happy and it’s kinda sad it’s such an unusual sight. Whatever happened since Deran last met them, it’s been something good and you don’t have to be fucking Sherlock to figure out it has something to do with Adrian.  
  
”Maybe he met a guy.”  
  
Jesus Christ. Nicky sure isn’t sparkling today either, not that Pope thought her being more than slightly smarter than Craig, but come on. Craig buries his face in his hand and Pope takes a sip of his club soda.  
  
”Are you two blind or just stupid? And how are _we_ even related?”  
  
He nods at J who almost looks offended, as if being a Cody was a badge of honor and not a fucking misfortune. Craig lights a smoke.  
  
”Our baby bro is out of the closet and getting back with Adrian.”  
”Yeah, I know. So?”  
  
J looks like there’s no big deal at all here and Pope shakes his head in exasperation.  
  
”How fun do you think it would be if you were gay and had to pretend being straight for years just to keep your mom from ruining shit for you?”  
”And then find out she probably knew all along but let you walk around thinking she didn’t and would hate you for it instead of being just a little fucking supportive.”  
  
Craig sounds bitter. He’s the one of the brothers who’s suffering the least from Smurf, not that he’s by any means unaffected, after all he had to beat Deran until he gave up whenever they had a fight and he still feels bad about it. Pope should know, because whenever Craig refused to beat up Deran, Smurf would sick Pope on him. And up until Deran was thirteen or so, those fights almost always ended with him running away crying because Craig wanted Pope to stop, so he eventually gave in and bruised up Deran.   
  
Afterwards, when Smurf didn’t notice, Craig would try and make it up to Deran who dealed with the situation by simply turning into the grumpiest little shit ever and spend most of his time surfing.  
  
Yes, Craig is probably a little bitter and so is Pope. He fixes J’s eyes with his gaze.  
  
”Your mother was my twin and you’re family now. But if you ever say or do anything that might ruin things for Deran or Adrian – and I know Smurf will use you as a spy if it suits her – you and your girlfriend will end up in a hole in the desert.”  
  
In the shocked silence that follows this promise, Pope looks over to his blonde baby brother who blushes like a fucking teen when a certain darkhaired surfer comes out from the room in the back. Adrian leans close to whisper something and Deran smiles, clearly struggling to keep his hands from wander and then he cups Adrian’s chin to kiss him.  
  
Pope finishes his club soda and puts down the empty bottle, causing Craig, J and Nicky to look at him and Pope nods at the couple behind the bar counter.  
  
 ”If anyone in this fucking trash family deserves a way out, it’s Deran.”


	41. Craig

”Was that really necessairy, man? You scared the shit out of them.”  
”Good.”  
  
Pope’s sudden protectiveness of Deran is a bit worrying. Craig knows his elder brother and when he’s made up his mind about something, it’s almost impossible to make him listen. Especially when he doesn’t want to take his meds – which he _really_ doesn’t want to.   
  
”Since when did you start caring so much about the family’s baby, huh?”  
”Since I needed to.”  
”He’s shit scared of you.”  
”He’s shit scared of _Smurf_.”  
  
Craig laughs. He’s on the backside of the bar, smoking, and Pope for some damn reason made him company. Deran’s busy inside and J left with Nicky, which isn’t surprising.   
  
”Dude, you sure didn’t have to scare _them_.”  
”No? They’re _kids_ , Craig, and Smurf’s got them under her thumb. You’re so thick you can’t see that?”  
”Then talk to _her_!”  
”Oh, I did that.”  
”Right, so now she’s suddenly scared too?”  
  
Pope just gives him a curious look.  
  
”You’re all scared of me, Craig. You, Deran, Baz, Smurf…”  
”Yeah, we wouldn’t be if you didn’t try to creep us out, you know.”  
”And if you grew some balls and didn’t let a teenage girl rule your ass, you wouldn’t be creeped out. Instead of bitching about chicks and getting high, maybe you could help out.”  
”With _what_? Deran’s doing fine.”  
”Deran’s knackered and Adrian’s a fucking mess, Craig, and I’m gonna find out who did this to them.”  
”And do what, exactly?”  
”Whatever’s necessairy.”  
  
This isn’t good. Craig’s no stranger to vengence or reckless actions, but with Pope… hell, that’s a different story.   
  
”What happened, really? I mean, when you and Deran took off to Mexico?”  
”Already told you. Flat tire accident.”  
”Yeah, right…”  
  
He could ask Deran again, Craig knows that, but it’s just not his style. Mostly, he can read his baby bro pretty well and he knows that when Deran really doesn’t want to talk about something, persistence is futile. Deran was obviously sore and in a very bad mood when they came back and honestly, Craig feels a little left out. Deran and Pope have never been close and it hurts that Deran didn’t come to Craig first, hasn’t even told the whole story. Craig sighs.  
  
”We both know that aint true, but if Deran’s more comfortable talking to you, then…”  
”You’re _jealous_?”  
  
Pope sounds almost amused, but the crooked smile is anything but bright. Craig’s had enough of this shit.  
  
”I’ve been here for Deran all the time you were in jail, man. Who do you think kept Smurf at least a little bit away while you were…”  
”Doing time Baz should’ve done with me, taking one for the team instead of ratting him out? Yeah, I guess you had a really hard time.”  
”Standing between Smurf and Deran, yeah, compared to that prison actually sounds tempting!”  
  
Craig rubs his face.  
  
”You have no fucking idea how it was when he took off…”  
”To Belize?”  
”No, fucking… Norway. Of course it’s about Belize! Smurf… you know, she was… I’ve never seen her like that, man. I mean, Deran had threatened to leave since he was, what… fourteen or so and…”  
”She never thought he’d follow through.”  
  
Pope nods, smiling like he’s proud, which he in some way probably is. To Baz, Deran running away was all about childish defiance and in a way it was, but definately not only that.  
  
”Five weeks… Never though he’d have the balls to do anything like that.”  
”You should’ve seen Smurf… I mean, two-three days, sure, but after the first week she was worried. For real. Was chewing her nails.”  
  
Pope chuckles.  
  
”Pity I wasn’t here to see it.”  
”He came back eventually and it didn’t take long before it was business as usual, so…”  
”Except with Adrian.”  
  
Craig rolls his eyes and puts the smoke out.  
  
”You realise Deran’s the only one of us actually keeping to the same person, right? Like, for real. No one on the side or anything, man… Except when he had chicks…”  
  
Pope just snorts.  
  
”Chicks for show? Yeah, that’s not depressing or anything…”  
”Still can’t understand how he’s not into women at all, man…”  
”Maybe it would’ve been better if we were gay too. At least Deran isn’t in danger of knocking some chick up, leaving her eight months in.”  
  
Craig laughs and holds up his half-empty beer bottle.  
  
”True. Cheers to that!”


	42. Deran

For once he’s not on high alert. Craig is still here and that means he has back-up. He has no bar license or business reputation to loose if he gets out of control and should anyone come in here to mess with Adrian, he’ll help take care of it. His boyfriend is safe here and that’s all that matters.  
  
The Drop has become quite popular in a short time and Deran’s busy. That doesn’t mean he’s got no time for Adrian though. After last night… Deran feels all warm and confused when thinking about it. There’s still a part in his mind wondering why he did it, because he shouldn’t like it. Not before the rape and definately not after. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? And it’s not easy silencing every scornful voice in his head after more than twenty years. Deran can’t even remember how early on he heard an homophobic slur for the first time. Probably while he was still in diapers.  
  
Adrian is tired, it shows, and he’s put down his books for the night, sipping on a coke. They had thai food earlier, before they had to work. Adrian went to the shop doing bookkeeping and Deran stayed here doing the same, plus checking deliveries, mopping floors and wondering if Adrian would want to stay the night. Right now Deran actually wishes he could keep the bar closed for a week and just head off somewhere with Adrian. Another kind of Belize trip… No, Deran’s not sure he wants to go back there. Belize holds so many memories, good and bad, and it represents a time of confusion that would be painful to stir up. And besides, they both have businesses and responsibilies now they can’t just leave whenever it suits them.   
  
Deran’s not really sure how open he is, or how much he’s comfortable showing. It’s not so much about himself as a person that worries him, but how it could affect the businesses or be used against Adrian in some way. It’s one thing not being ashamed, and a whole other risking the wrong kind of people finding a weak spot. Some have already found it and although Deran still doesn’t know who took Adrian or why, he’s pretty sure they did it because of him. Because they knew Adrian is important to Deran and that makes him vulnerable.   
  
”No one’s gonna snatch him if you look away.”  
  
Deran almost jumps. He didn’t even notice Craig walking up to him. His older brother frowns.  
  
”Seriously, man, if you don’t stop hoovering over him like this, people will think you’re a creep. You really think someone would just take him without anyone noticing?”  
  
Deran instinctively clenches his fists. Adrian’s pretty, he’s hot and even though Deran trusts him completely and has made a promise never to act like a jealous asshole again, he still doesn’t feel comfortable seeing someone, man or woman, looking a little too long at his boyfriend. He already feels out of control as it is, in all that he’s building with Adrian now, to add more worry to the cocktail. The feeling that Adrian could do better than him, that so much of the shit he went through is at least partly due to Deran’s choises and family background, makes it hard to breathe.

”Hey, Deran…”  
”What?”  
  
He almost hisses and Craig grabs his shoulder.  
  
” _Stop staring!_ ”  
  
Craig hisses too and Deran forces himself to look at his brother instead of his boyfriend. His voice is strained when he answers.  
  
”I can’t.”  
”You don’t trust him?”  
”I trust _him_. It’s the potential fucking kidnappers I don’t trust, in case you’ve forgotten.”

Craig’s friendly, stupid face becomes softer and he looks slightly worried.  
  
”You think Smurf would…?”  
”I don’t know.”  
  
One day he’s sure she had nothing to do with it, one day he thinks she may have paid them off to simply just scare Adrian away but to actually kidnap him and another day he wonders if she’s actually behind it all, if she wants Adrian gone but just can’t maker herself cross the ultimate line… That thought is so scary, so absolutely disgusting and wrong in every way Deran mostly denies he’s ever harboured it in the first place.  
  
”I just need to keep him safe…”  
”You want Pope here?”   
”He’s busy with Lena.”  
”No, Lena’s with Baz, I think.”  
  
Deran snorts.  
  
”Oh, so he’s remembering he’s got a kid now? How many days you think it’ll be before Lena’s back with Pope or me or Smurf again? Social services should be all over Baz as soon as someone at Lena’s school get suspicious.”  
”Baz is too much like Smurf for that. And Lena’s too much like us to rat.”  
  
He’s right. Deran’s never been angry with or blamed Smurf for all the illegal shit he was born into, because it was her way of survive and he willingly followed, just like his brothers. What’s harder to forgive, is the way she deprived all of them normal relationships and made them fight for her attention. Deran can control his jealousy now, but the fear of not being good enough to love, that whatever love he’s been given will be taken away when people find someone more worthy of it… That feeling’s been there since he was still breastfed – for far too long, Craig’s joke about Deran not letting go of Smurf’s tit until he was seven was a little too close to the truth. Smurf didn’t encouraged Deran to wean off until Pope asked what the teachers would say if Deran wanted to go home to suck mommy’s tit on lunch break. As far as Deran can remember, Smurf hauled out her tit every now and then when he was sad, as a comfort, and not because he actually asked for it.  
  
Fighting for attention and approval while still desperately trying to find a way out is kind of the theme of Deran’s life. The feeling that if _he’s_ not in control, Smurf will, and the battle between them has been going on since he actually said no to the breast. Later Craig told him she did that with all of them until they said no themselves and Deran felt slightly less humiliated whenever Baz or Pope asked if he missed Smurf’s tit.  
  
Deran rubs a hand over his face and throws just a quick glance at Adrian. He’s still there, along with a guy Deran’s never seen before. Someone Heather probably served and Craig grabs Deran’s wrist.  
  
” _Don’t_.”


	43. Adrian

He’s pretty sure he’s not met this guy before and that’s worrying. Adrian’s open, but he’s never been out much in gay bars and since this is not a gay bar, that means this guy somehow knows Adrian’s gay despite the fact they’ve never met. Brad, as he’s called, is not a surfer but still knows Adrian has _Real Surf_ , explaining that knowledge with surfing friends who apparantly are Adrian’s customers. Oh, and he’s also friends with Matt, the fanboy Tao hired. There’s the connection.  
  
Some months ago, Adrian wouldn’t feel uncomfortable with this at all, but things have changed a lot lately and people he once wouldn’t even dream of seeing as threats, now make him hypervigilant.  
  
”Can I buy you a drink?”  
  
_Only if you want my boyfriend to poison you._ Adrian forces himself to smile and shakes his head, pointing at his half-finished club soda.  
  
”Thanks, but I don’t drink at the moment.”  
  
Brad laughs, he has too white teeth and obviously thinks of himself as catch.  
  
”Then why are you here?”  
”My boyfriend owns the place.”  
  
For a moment, Adrian thinks Brad is about to laugh again, but wisely enough he stays with a surprised smile.  
  
”You’re with Deran _Cody_?”  
  
He says it like he’s talking about a rare species and Adrian just nods. Brad looks partly doubtful, partly amused.  
  
”Does it bother him that I’m talking to you?”  
”Why would it bother him?”  
”Well, by the way he looks at me, I’d say he’d throw a bottle in my face if I came closer to you.”  
  
Adrian fixes the guy’s gaze.  
  
”Then stay where you are.”  
  
Brad holds his hands up, laughing nervously.  
  
”Hey, easy there, bro! I was just kidding, alright. He’s that jealous?”  
  
Before they went back together, Adrian would’ve answered yes without hesitation, but he knows this is not Deran being possessive or jealous like before. Deran’s worried and he has every reason to. None of them have had much luck with strangers lately and the consequences for letting their guard down have been severe. Adrian feels vulnerable now and he swallows.  
  
”What do you want, Brad?”  
”Just talking. Is that forbidden now?”  
”No, but I’m tired and I have to study. Did Matt send you? Or Tao or Smurf?”  
”Smurf?”  
”Janine Cody!”  
”No one sent me anywhere, man. I was just talking, alright? Jesus…”  
  
Brad raises from his chair, looking more offended than anything else and suddenly he leans over the table, hoovering over Adrian’s book far too close and Adrian freezes. Fear and panic are rushing through his body and he can’t move, can’t say a word.  
  
”Hey!”  
  
Craig. Adrian, numb and frozen on spot, watches how Deran’s older brother practically lifts Brad from the floor and a moment later, he walks out of The Drop with his human load and kicks the door closed behind him.  
  
”Babe?”  
  
_Deran._ Adrian almost felt normal tonight. Now he’s crying over his books, mute, as an invisible panic attack takes over his body and the only thing he can hold onto, is the firm, callous hand entwining it’s fingers with his own.


	44. Deran

”I can’t keep doing this…”  
  
Adrian talks as if he felt like this by choice. They’re laying on the bed, the door to the bar is closed and Deran thanks his lucky star Craig can help Heather out because Adrian just cries and cries.  
  
”I’m so scared, Deran… I’m so _fucking scared…_ ”  
  
So is Deran, but he can’t say that now, can’t even allow himself to reckognize that feeling in silence and he cradles Adrian’s head, strokes his shoulders, holds him as close as he can.  
  
”I’m not gonna let anyone hurt you again, alright.”  
”Can’t promise that.”  
  
As if he didn’t know that already. Adrian clutches Deran’s shirt.  
  
”Don’t hurt the guy. Or Matt.”  
”Why would I do that?”  
  
His boyfriend snorts and Deran swallows. Adrian knows him far too well.  
  
”What would you do if the guy who… did _that_ to me, came into your shop?”  
  
He can’t make himself saying the word and Adrian lets out a strained sigh.  
  
”It wasn’t your _fucking fault_ , Deran. You were drugged and…”  
”It wasn’t your fault either!”  
  
He doesn’t mean sounding so hard, Adrian almost shivers and Deran quickly tries to soothe him, lowering his voice, making it softer.  
  
”I’m sorry, babe. I didn’t mean to yell, okay? C’mere.”  
”I can’t stay here.”  
”Please, Adrian, I don’t want you to be alone.”  
”I _can’t stay_.”  
”And I’m not letting you go.”  
  
_Fuck._ Fuck, fuck, fuck. Adrian’s eyes are blue, wet and so cold Deran is almost reminded of Smurf. His boyfriend lets go of him, moves away closer to the wall and Deran rubs his face in exasperation.  
  
”Adrian, I didn’t mean it like that… Fuck… I just…”  
”Just what?”  
  
Any remaining warmth is gone from the voice and the freckled cheeks are teary, suddenly everything seem so fragile, so fucking vulnerable Deran can’t stand it. He stays where he is, the distance is only a few inches and if he reached out his hand, he’d feel Adrian again but he can’t.  
  
”I don’t want to be like I was before. I wasn’t jealous now, man, I was… worried. You looked like you were about to pass out.”  
”What did you do to him?”  
”Nothing! Craig simply threw him out, nothing more. Not gonna lie and say it didn’t bother me when he hit on you, but I fucking trust you, Adrian. But you… you nearly died…”  
  
They’ve not talked much about the abduction. Or the rape. They want, no need to forget because otherwise they’ll break. Adrian squeezes his hand.  
  
”You could’ve died too. And all the time before that, when you did jobs…”  
  
Deran is stunned.  
  
”You thought I would…?”  
”You don’t need a fucking gun in your face to die, man!”  
  
Adrian rubs his face again, new tears welling up.  
  
”I don’t know what’s worse… Not doing anything, just waiting for them to show up and have me or both of us killed, or letting you loose on them, knowing you could end up in jail… Or the desert… Revenge aint worth shit to me if we can’t be together…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 6/11 I'm currently on a family visiting trip and haven't had time to write for some days, hence the lack of updates. I'll be back home tomorrow night CET so hopefully it wont take too long before another chapter is up <3


	45. Adrian

”You know who that guy was?”  
”No.”  
  
He has Real Surf, has been competing a lot and that makes him, if not a kind of celebrity among the local surfers, so at least very well known. People he’s never met knowing who he is not strange, Deran’s just overly suspicious.  
  
Adrian’s laying with his head on Deran’s lap, the bar’s closed for the night and the doors are locked. Deran’s cardening through Adrian’s short hair, it’s a little longer now and the fingers are scraping his scalp. For the two years they stayed together in some kind of destructive relationship, they weren’t exclusive and Adrian remembers how he, whenever he hooked up with other guys, was less interested in the sex than the potential cuddles.  
  
Deran was always good in bed, Adrian rarely even missed switching, but intimacy was never a part of that and that’s what he needed other guys for. Being with someone who wasn’t ashamed or living too dangerous. Adrian sighs.  
  
”You trust me, right?”  
 ”Of course.”  
  
Adrian turns his head and looks up, smiling a little. Trying to continue the conversation from earlier is easier now when he’s not crying or panicking.  
  
”You just don’t trust others.”  
”Why would I?”  
”I had a panic attack, Deran. Nothing actually happened.”  
”You having a panic attack aint nothing. Not to me.”  
  
Deran talks like it’s a given and Adrian bites his lip.  
  
”It feels like… I don’t know, like the people bumping into us now are not just a coincidence. I know, it sounds like I’m paranoid but…”  
”And you’re afraid I’ll do something stupid, I know.”  
”You promised not to. You’ve never broken a promise to me before.”  
”I haven’t?”  
  
Adrian has to laugh, because Deran sounds so surprised.  
  
”You really don’t think very highly of yourself…”  
  
_How much do you have to hate yourself to talk like that? I don’t hate myself._ Maybe not for being gay, but for a lot of other things Adrian still can’t reach. The image Deran has of himself as someone who constantly has to proove he’s man enough. That he’s not scared when the reality is that he’s been terrified for a lot of things for a very long time. Loosing Adrian is only one of them, loosing his freedom is another and as fed up as he is with Smurf, loosing her for real would be the worst of all.  
  
If anything or anyone destroys what he’s been building up with Adrian, Deran will believe no one can or will love him again. Because what’s there to love when he’s not useful? A lot. So many reasons Adrian can’t tell him yet, out of fear for destroying what little safety they’ve gained so far. Deran trusts him, but only as much as Adrian trusts _him_ to not do anything stupid. In other words, not so much.


	46. Deran

He can’t keep doing this. Adrian was right, but not quite in the way he thought. Deran lies awake, looking at the sleeping form in his arms. _As soon as I have enough money to buy this place, I’m going legit._ Adrian hadn’t believed him, not because he doubted Deran’s own capacity, but because he knew the Cody family. Deran sometimes thinks it should be called a unit, rather than a family. Smurf probably is right that foster care may not have been better, considering how she turned out, but environment isn’t all, just as heritage isn’t. Somewhere between those two there must be room for the individual, otherwise what’s the point in trying to do anything?  
  
Adrian feels so vulnerable now. Fragile, and the position where he bends down to Deran’s chest, stirrs up emotions Deran’s still only in the beginning of discovering and definately not controlling. Feelings he’s either suppressed or only seen fucked up version of for most of his life. It’s one thing to stop lying to yourself, letting go of shame and denial, and a whole other go give in for the new. Things have changed so completely on so many areas and in such a short time, Deran wonders how he’s not gone crazy from it. Up until a few months ago, Smurf was the centre of his universe, the sun. Equally necessary and deadly, impossible to ignore. There was never a clear line between them, never a border Deran felt completely sure wouldn’t be crossed.  
  
Perhaps that’s the worst part of it. That he’s never been able to trust Smurf, that he so early on just knew he couldn’t talk to her, couldn’t hide from her. He’s her youngest and the one she was able to keep safe – at least more safe than his siblings – for the longest amount of time. Deran knows he should be grateful for that, things could’ve been way fucking worse, but the price he’s paid for that safety has been way higher than it should. It’s not fucking fifties when he was born. It wasn’t as if Smurf couldn’t have an abortion instead of letting Pope act midwife and she didn’t _have_ to raise them all to be criminals. Yes, they do make their own choises, Deran’s not gonna blame Smurf for shit he chose to do himself, that’s not the point, but he sure as hell blames her for quite a huge part of his incapability to have normal fucking relationships.  
  
If this is gonna have a chance to actually work, Deran can’t keep making decisions for Adrian, or their relationship. They’re two and the last thing Deran wants, is to repeat the circle of bullshit from Smurf with Adrian. Problem is, he’s new to this. All he’s done since that argue with Adrian in the motel room, has been done mostly on instinct and that only works so far. Sooner or later, Deran knows he’s gotta have a real idea about what a life with Adrian would mean, because Adrian isn’t Cath, Renn or Nicky, and he’s sure as hell not reminding of Craig, Pope or Baz. In fact, he’s not reminding Deran of anyone other than himself.  
  
These toughts and feelings are dangerous, at least now. The weakness Deran’s so carefully hidden away beneath Adrian’s wounds, protected by his very acceptable urge to have his boyfriend healed, is still very present and there’s nothing in Deran that suggests this burden could be shared at the same time as Adrian needs protection. There’s simply no place for that now and Deran’s no longer capable of pretending that’s not a relief. If this is to be working for them in the future – Jesus, Deran’s never pictured a future with anyone outside the inevitable ties to his family and that’s scary as hell, because what the fuck does _he_ know about living with a partner?! – there are a lot of shit he has to get rid off if things aren’t gonna come back and ruining everything for them.  
  
Adrian sleeps deeply and calm. Despite everything that happened, he feels safe in Deran’s arms and as much as Deran hates the anxiety, nightmares and fear that drives his boyfriend to seek this cradled closeness, it also proves something. It proves that Deran’s something more than a coddled kid, the youngest brother, a decent fuck, a surfer, risk taker, crimal or thrill seeker. More than a friend, even the best.  
  
He has no idea how he’s gonna curb his violent nature, how he would react should he see Adrian’s kidnappers with his own eyes on the street. The promise he made is not a hundred procent promise, and they both know that. Adrian didn’t ask him to do nothing because he’s ashamed. Scared maybe, but Deran’s long past any feelings of contempt for fear, and has no problem picturing exactly how ugly things could turn out if he let himself loose.  
  
Problem is, he also needs this hatred, because it keeps him from falling apart from self-contempt. Men don’t get raped outside prison and inside prison, only the weak guys, the pussies, become victims. If Deran ever had pictured that threat it would’ve been behind bars, not in the back seat of a car in the clouds of a drug far stronger than he thought it to be. And if he couldn’t even protect himself, what are the odds for him keeping another human safe?


	47. Adrian

Maybe he has to accept this. That he can’t be on his own yet. The thought immediately irritates him because he doesn’t miss his own bed or even his apartment. If he didn’t feel more than friendship with Deran, he wouldn’t be laying here. There are simply too many ways to loose this. Other guys is just one, and in this case a very small problem.   
  
Deran’s on his stomach, face resting on his own arm and the hair spread like a fan on the pillow. He’s strong, far stronger than Smurf or his brothers ever thought. Adrian strokes the naked, warm shoulders lightly. It took so long until he could do things like this without being drunk or high. Well, to be honest, without Deran being drunk or high.   
  
The man breathes slowly, his sleep is deep and calm, as it should be. Adrian never really cared about the crimes as long as Deran didn’t take too much risks or crossed certain lines. Which was quite often and mostly because his brothers would otherwise harass him and Smurf stop loving him. It’s not that Deran doesn’t love the rushs, but he’s not stupid. Nor is he too haunted by his own demons or too keen on the weed to actually make something of his life.  
  
”Morning…”  
  
Adrian almost jumps and his boyfriend looks up.  
  
”Did I scare you?”  
”Didn’t know you were awake.”  
”Just woke up. You slept?”  
”Yeah.”  
”Good?”  
  
These kind of questions still sound strange, like Deran’s still in the phase of becoming accustomed to them. Like breaking in new shoes, not yet sure if they fit, are comfortable or even look good. In the beginning, there will always be chafes. Adrian smiles and moves the curtain of hair from Deran’s face.  
  
”Very good. You?”  
”Yeah.”  
”What do you want for breakfast?”  
  
Deran chuckles.   
  
”I think we have cereals and milk and maybe even two bowls.”  
”Two spoons too?”  
”Yep. And I think I saw some juice in the fridge yesterday.”  
”God, you’re so domestic.”  
  
Deran gives him mock bite on the lower lip for the teasing.  
  
”Cereals and coffee then.”  
”I’ll shop later, okay.”  
  
They’ve not put words to it. Living in the backroom in Deran’s bar is hardly ideal, especially not for two, and they can still pretend Adrian’s only here because of the kidnapping, as they pretend the king size bed is just for practical reasons. By not saying anything out loud about the significance of this matter, they can still run away from it. Or walk. Somehow, Adrian thinks they’re done running away from each other now.  There’s space for _them_ now and it’s weird, relieving and gut-wrenchingly fitting.


	48. Deran

On an unconscious levels he’s been prepared for months. Ever since he came out, actually. He didn’t lock the door when he came back with the breakfast – warm bagels was a lot more tempting than cereals without milk – and that’s why he doesn’t flinch when she stands there, a tiny giant in clothes unfit for her age. Adrian sees her too and Deran hates how he knows she sees the tension. How Adrian has to force himself not to show a worry she already knows is there. Deran puts his spoon down.  
  
”What do you want?”  
”How’s the bar going, sweetheart?”  
”Come on, Smurf, smalltalk was never your thing. What do you want?”  
”Just visit my son, is that not allowed?”  
  
Deran shakes his head, laughing a little.  
  
”Jesus… You’re here to raise Adrian’s rent again, huh? Or even better, cancel his rental agreement?”  
  
She can see the kingsize bed. Smurf is a lot of things, but sure as hell no idiot and Deran knows she doesn’t like what she sees.  
  
”You’ve not worked much with your brothers lately.”  
  
Works, not jobs. She’s not sure if Adrian knows?  Deran takes a sip of the coffee.  
  
”I’m pretty busy here.”  
”You need cash?”  
”No, we’re good.”  
  
He can see how she startles a little from his choise of word. We, not I. Deran’s no idiot either. He knows Smurf’s playing a game, like she always does.  
  
”I’m not sure this is a very good place for Lena.”  
”Well, at least my liqor is out of reach. And besides, someone has to take care of her when her dad and grandmother wont.”  
”She’s barely seven. She needs her family.”  
”We’re family.”  
  
The interruption is so unexpected, both Smurf and Deran become silent. Adrian’s voice is low and calm, but very firm and he puts his coffe cup down with a small sound, looking directly at the woman who may or may not be responsible, at least to some extent, for what happened to him.  
  
” _We’re_ fucking family, Janine.”  
  
Deran’s more than sure Adrian hasn’t spoken to her, using her first name before and she looks… surprised. More than when all the four brothers walked out on her, than when she saw the bar for the first time, for once uncapable of hiding her feelings. With horror, Deran slowly realises she doesn’t understand. That her confusion is real because she’s never really loved anyone, perhaps not even herself. Whatever she has may be something very similar to love, but she’ll never truly understand what Deran feels for Adrian, or what anyone feels for that matter.  
  
The heavy silence breaks from the sound of Smurf’s phone and she picks it up but doesn’t take the call, just puts the phone back in her purse and sweeps with her eyes over the cluttered place.  
  
”You should vacuume more often, baby.”  
  
Then, without another word, she leaves. Deran’s still holding the cup, hard enough for his fingers to turn white. 


	49. Adrian

He’s in awe. Only a minute after Smurf left, Deran got a deliverance and shortly after, Tao called from the shop, desperate with an overload of boards and a Matt suddenly calling in sick or something. There simply was no time talking or even addressing the fact that the elephant had left the room. While Adrian works on the board, trying to follow the docs orders of taking it easy, he’s also fighting the tears.  
  
No, he’s not sad. Or pissed. Actually, he’s not really sure what he feels, just that he’s more or less fluttering, partly amazed and partly terrified. It’s been the giant gap between them, the big road block, impossible to come around and suddenly, easy as nothing, it was removed. Adrian works with an energy he’s not had in weeks, probably going a little too hard on himself, but he has to do something to keep himself on the ground. It really doesn’t help that Tao’s radio is playing 80’s music… _Ooh, baby, do you know what that’s worth? Ooh, heaven is a place on earth… Baby, I was afraid before, but I’m not afraid anymore…  
  
_ Not afraid? He’s scared to death and so is Deran. Their past, all the good and bad shit before Deran got the bar, their slow reunion, nervousness and misunderstandings. All the fucking fear and pain threatening to drown what little they had left from Belize. _When I feel alone, I reach for you and you bring me home. When I'm lost at sea I hear your voice, and it carries me…_ It’s so fucking stupid, the song and the feelings it provokes because even in Belize, the time when they were clinging onto each other, finally sure of there wouldn’t be a rejection, there was always a shadow in the background.   
  
Don’t feel too much, don’t set yourselves loose. Hide behind the weed, the booze, the curtains and the spot on the beach where you can allow yourselves something that wont happen once you’re back home. That was what they thought, both of them, even if they never said it. None of them had counted on falling in love and that was a mistake they shared. Deran may have been the one denying his orientation, but Adrian made him company in denying the feelings. It was simple, almost like a summer’s fling and lots of people had fuck buddies.   
  
The beat-up fucking song is almost done and Adrian knows he’ll have it stuck on his mind for the rest of the day. Is it really possible to feel newly in love with someone you’ve known this long? And if so, what will happen once they’re ordinary to each other? How much of a normal life can he expect, being with Deran?  
  
No one, least of all Deran himself, thought he’d be able to draw the line like this. Lines. There’ve been many and Adrian’s seen a lot of them drawn only to be wiped out by Smurf like a wave in the sand, leaving Deran to start all over again. One day, sooner rather than later, they’ll need to talk for real about the rape and the abduction. Without the meds, Adrian wouldn’t be able to sleep, talk, fuck or work. They keep the fear more or less managable by focusing on practical stuff and that’s good, but not enough. It doesn’t take a neuro scientist to know what a fucking witch broth they’re swimming in at the moment, both of them dealing with PTSD and still unable to do something about it, other than trying to take care of each other.  
  
Adrian leans on the board, blinking and swallowing. He has to put his tool down, take his goggles off and he shuts the door, hoping Tao wont have a reason to open it for a little while. Then he sinks down with his back against it, crying silently.   
  
He’s not sad, he’s exhausted, and if he looses Deran he’ll loose his lover, best friend and family all at once. Again. He’s already lost one family and had he not had Deran, Adrian’s not sure he’d been strong enough to stand up for himself, even if Deran didn’t know the reason at the time. _Ooh, baby, do you know what that’s worth? Ooh, heaven is a place on earth… Ooh, baby, do you know what that’s worth? Ooh, heaven is a place on earth…_  
  
When exactly did his life become so fucking complicated and how long will he last?


	50. Deran

He doesn’t have to ask to know both Pope and Craig are keeping watch for the assholes. They’re planning another job again, but between that and snorting coke – for Craig – and taking care of Lena – for Pope – his brothers are taking detours to Real Surf whenever they can. Not to spy on Adrian even if it feels very close to it, but to look for the men who may or may not come back for him.  
  
Deran’s not worried about his own safety. He’s been very successful replacing his own fears with Adrian’s. It’s his way of dealing with it even if there’s a silent but relentless voice nagging back in his head, reminding him of the night he’s tried so hard to forget. He’s working fast, determined to keep hands and head ockupied, not giving any room for the highly unwelcome memories. He’s looking over the supplies controlling how much he’s got left of the different labels, making notes with his sloppy hand writing. He’s moving boxes, counting money, paying bills, cleaning the bar bathroom from pukes he was too tired to deal with the other night.  
  
He’s doing it to keep his mind off Smurf, his rapist and the kidnappers, the only result of it being he’s thinking of nothing else, only in a cleaner bar and with the worry for Adrian raising by every square metre under the mop. Fuck this shit. Deran leaves the mop and does what he promised himself not to, calling his boyfriend just to check on him.  
  
”Hey, what’s up?”  
  
Adrian sounds strained, like he’s doing heavy work he shouldn’t do yet and Deran tries to sound easy and unconcearned.  
  
”Just wanted to check on you. You know… after…”  
  
A small, choked sound comes from the other end and Deran swallows.  
  
”Are you crying? Babe, what happened?”  
”Nothing, I… I don’t know, it’s just…”  
”I’m coming over.”  
  
It’s not a question and Adrian doesn’t protest which means he’s really not feeling good. Deran’s locked the door and started the car within a minute, driving as fast as he can to the shop. He barely notices Tao who just nods in the direction of the back room and Deran knocks on the door not to scare Adrian. He opens it slower than his alarm system actually allows, trying to keep his animalistic instincts, the anger and impatience in check. For some reason that part never seems to get easier.  
  
”Babe?”  
  
It’s painful to know he was once too ashamed and scared to do this. Just holding Adrian if there was even the slightest chance someone would see them. But Deran no longer cares. He’s hugging his boyfriend gently, rubbing his shoulder and stroking his hair. Who gives a shit that the door’s not closed, that Tao or even a customer sees them. The kidnapping but also the rape Deran refuses to admit his mind is still tortured from, have somehow broken down barriers he thought were inalterable. The horrific events have changed his priorities completely and in this moment Deran believes, no he’s certain of, that he’d do anything to keep Adrian safe. Even cut the bond with his own mother.


	51. Adrian

”I look like shit, right?”  
”No.”  
”Honestly?”  
  
He’s barely stopped sobbing and feels like an idiot, leaning against Deran’s shoulder. Deran puts a hand on his cheek and rubs the thumb under his eye.  
  
”They have to invent a new word, or something…”  
”For what?”  
”Well…”  
  
Deran scratches his hair. Blushing.  
  
”Handsome sounds kinda stupid and hot isn’t exactly what I’m after right now, you know.”  
”Are you trying to say you think I’m cute?”  
  
Deran just grunts something and squeezes Adrian’s neck a little.  
  
”Probably.”  
  
Adrian laughs.  
  
”You’re still my boyfriend, right?”  
”Uhm… Yeah, I hope so.”  
”Then it’s pretty much your duty to think I’m cute.”  
”Christ…”  
  
Deran sounds embarressed and Adrian takes the flushed cheeks between his palms, nuzzling Deran’s nose before kissing him. Deran’s large hand cradles his head, he’s being held close and Adrian starts crying again.  
  
”Fuck, Deran… I’m sorry, I…”  
”It’s okay. Don’t have to explain and it’s not your fault.”  
  
His boyfriend feels strong. Steady and calm and Adrian realises Deran literally doesn’t give a fuck if someone sees him caring this much, that he’ll drop whatever he’s doing just to comfort Adrian if necessairy.  
  
”I’ll ask Heather if she can close tonight. Maybe we could, I don’t know… go somewhere. Just the two of us.”  
”Like a date?”  
”Yeah, I guess… I don’t know.”  
”You’ve never had an actual date?”  
”Actually… no, I don’t think so.”  
  
Deran sounds surprised. Adrian’s not really thought about it, but it’s probably true. Deran’s never been on a real date with anyone and that’s a bit sad.   
  
”You know, maybe it’s not such a good idea… Being seen right now.”  
”No, it’s not…”  
  
Deran’s dragging out the words, obviously thinking of something and then he smiles, stroking the tears from Adrian’s face.  
  
”I think I have an idea.”  
”Yeah? What?”  
”You trust me?”  
  
Adrian raises his eyebrows.  
  
”Of course I do. Shouldn’t I?”  
”Honestly, I’m still a little surprised you do.”


	52. Deran

He’s never done anything like this before, but that could be said about a lot of things lately. It’s like someone’s pressed a button marked _change_ and just let him run on it until he’s out of fuel. And he’s letting it take over, even if it’s so not him. Maybe Adrian wont even like it.  
  
”Can I open my eyes now?”  
”Soon.”  
”How far away are we?”  
”Not too far. Don’t cheat.”  
”You know I only cheat in cards. Is this a ladder?”  
”Yep. Don’t worry, you’re not gonna fall.”  
  
He’s leading Adrian carefully and despite closing his eyes, the man trusts him. The backpack is full and Deran really hopes this wont turn out a disaster.   
  
”You’re taking me on a _roof?_ ”  
”Hey, have a little trust, man.”  
  
Driving around a little with Adrian having his eyes closed – blindfolded was out of the question – actually worked. Adrian doesn’t know where they are and walks up on the ladder with Deran behind him, slowly but without much hesitation.   
  
”Just one more step.”  
”Okay…”  
  
Adrian enters the roof with a little unsteady legs but relaxes when Deran follows close to his back. Deran takes his hand and leads him forward.  
  
”This way.”  
”Can I look?”  
”Soon. Wait here.”  
  
He stops and the look of anticipation and amusement on Adrian’s face with the eyes still closed is such a difference from the crying man before.   
  
”You can open them now.”  
”Wow…”  
  
Adrian looks so surprised Deran’s not sure if it’s a good or bad sign.   
  
”Didin’t you say you’ve never had a date?”  
”I haven’t.”  
”It doesn’t show.”


	53. Adrian

This is just… so unexpected and still so very Deran. Adrian is stunned as he takes in the view: a blanket, some kind of… _couch_ , a couple of old jam jars with candles and Deran’s laptop. Two boxes of sushi, a bottle of wine and club sodas. Deran has his hands shoved down in his pockets.  
  
”I wasn’t sure if you’d feel good in a restaurant or club and the beach is just… Couldn’t find any good movies either…”  
”It’s perfect, Deran.”  
  
They’re on the fucking roof of Deran’s bar and Deran drove around so he wouldn’t know. They’ve been climbing up on the fire ladder to The Drop’s roof, which has been transformed to a mini version of an outdoor movie, bar and sushi place for two. Complete with a bunch of large couch cushions, placed like an actual couch with the backrest leaned against the chimney.  
  
”So uhm… what do you wanna watch?”  
  
Deran’s nervous even if he’s visibly relaxed by Adrian’s approval and opens his laptop. Adrian swirls his arms around his waist from behind, looking over his shoulder on the list. He still can’t believe how Deran managed to get all this up here without help and he’s fairly sure Deran didn’t want any help with this.  
  
”How about trying something I know you’ve not seen.”  
”Sure. If you can find it.”  
  
Adrian quickly finds the online site he’s got an account on an enters his password. Deran’s pouring up some wine and looks at the screen with partly worry, partly curiousity.  
  
” _Big Eden_? Never heard of it.”  
”Of course you haven’t.”  
”Oh… It’s a gay movie, right?”  
”And very romantic.”  
”Jesus…”  
  
Adrian just grins at him and takes the offered glass of wine. Deran’s blushing.  
  
”I know you shouldn’t drink but it’s not very strong.”  
”One glass wont knock me out.”  
  
They make themselves comfortable on the temporary couch and Adrian leans back.   
  
”How the hell did you get all this up here?”  
”With tools, ropes and a lot of help from Heather.”  
”Damn… She’s a hero.”  
”Yeah. She’s handling the bar tonight with a little help from Craig and J. Hopefully Craig wont burn it down.”  
  
Adrian’s been on enough dates with different guys to know Deran’s a complete novis at this, in the sweetest possible way. He’s always been shy, with girls too, and this is a strange combination of nervousness, inexperience, a little clueless over-the-top and simply fucking adorable. It’s so personal and nothing in the world could’ve prepared him for this.  
  
They get the movie going, opens the sushi boxes and the wine is good, really good. Deran’s always been more of beer guy, but as a bartender, he’s had some time to learn more on this subject. Not everyone orders martinis and Budweisers. Adrian’s not had wine in a long time and when he remembers the club sodas, that Deran very well knows he can’t have more than a glass now and has put thought into that as well, is like seeing another layer of the mask come off, showing how the kid Adrian grew up with could’ve been so much earlier. It was always there, just so well-hidden even Deran couldn’t find it, had he ever thought about looking.


	54. Deran

If he’s missed out on the whole dating thing, it’s not something he’s that sad about. Doing this with someone else than Adrian would’ve felt stupid, no matter how _out_ Deran could’ve been earlier, he’s fairly sure of that. What he regrets is being too afraid to even think about it. Adrian’s curled up on his shoulder with the blanket over his knees and a half-finished club soda wandering between them.  
  
The movie is cheesy and Adrian of course was right about Deran not seeing, or even heard of it before. Deran’s mostly seen movies with his brothers and their acquaintances, sometimes a chick he’s hooked up with, and it’s not as if gay themed stuff has been among the categories. Deran suspects there are a lot of movies in this category he’ll ”have to” watch sooner or later and to his own surprise it’s not a very uncomfortable thought. Neither is the realisation that it feels kinda nice to see something that doesn’t evolve around explosions, crimes or stupid sex and lousy jokes. Pathetic as it might be, Deran’s rarely seen complex _men_ on scene – or in the reality. Pope doesn’t count, he’s complex in a whole different way no one would want to be.  
  
They can hear sounds from the bar and the street, fleeting into their bubble, but without catching their attention. Deran has his arm around Adrian’s shoulders like he’d never be able to on an actual movie theatre. That’s the other reason, apart from the risk of Adrian suddenly getting a panic attack, he wanted to be here. Not because he’s ashamed of Adrian or their relationship, but because he’s not sure how much they can handle now.  
  
It’s a change that, if you’re looking at it from the outside, is almost unreal. How do you go from being a violent, criminal momma’s boy and closet case who’ve barely done you own laundry, to this? And in such a short amount of time. It seems forced, almost fake.  
  
Deran nuzzles the dark hair, smelling from schampoo and not the ocean. The loss of that particular smell is painfull, reminding of what they used to do, what Adrian can’t yet do. His board has never been dry for this long before, neither has Deran’s. The change within him isn’t forced. _Lately you seem like that again. Like What? Like that kid I grew up with._ It’s hard to know who the real Deran is, when it’s not clear how much of that kid that was changed to begin with – or how he could’ve turned out had that change into an angry, insecure, self-hating asshole not come to pass.  
  
There’s always been this idea of relationships – with girls – that you’re doing things like this to please them, to make them wanna fuck, to make them stay with you. Like a price you have to pay for sex. Baz is the only one of the Cody brothers, to actually have a wife and kid – and he never seemed to really like it. Catherine was taken in and tolerated, mostly because Smurf needed Baz to run things for her. With Lena she had a little spy if she had to and a way to keep Baz and Cath in check easier. Deran can’t remember any normal relationship in his family. His brothers or sister never had dates, like real ones, and no one but Cath and Nicky stayed. Smurf always comes first.  
  
How do you form a longing for hand holding in movie theatres, bad beginners kisses and constant blushing over a sloppy pizza when all you know about relationships is how to use them as a tool to get power, money or sexual release? When your mom’s idea of a family is to make sure you and your brothers never see or even count on meeting your dads, never talking about them in a way that suggests fathers are anything else than sperm donors. They’ve all grown up learning they don’t need anyone but Smurf for real. A mother with no interest of seeing her kids leave the nest, of course wont introduce or encourage something that could lead to that.  
  
Adrian swirls their hands together under the blanket and Deran’s last little piece of insecurity about this idea, finally disappears. Adrian loved this, that’s clear now and the movie is good, Deran can admit that. The hard lump in his chest he’s walked around with ever since the rape, the one he’s been able to ignore for a long time now, is pressing against his bones, his skin, but he’s not gonna cry until Adrian falls asleep.


	55. Adrian

He’s suddenly wide awake. Not from a nightmare or a panic attack, he’s just not tired anymore. The room is dark and warm. Normally too warm for Adrian’s taste, but he’s been freezing easier lately and he wiggles back to come closer to the man spooning him. They came down from the roof before they got too tired and Adrian remembers how they stumbled to bed, with the bag containing most of what they could get down with them in one go, left by the desk.    
  
Deran’s idea of a date night had Adrian forget about the shitty moment in the shop when he started crying for no reason at all. A little moment of sanctuary, not denying or hiding anything, just putting in on pause for a while. There’s only so much shit you can deal with without a break, no matter how short or temporary.   
  
He reaches for his cell. Six thirty. Not that early then. He must’ve slept really well. Deran’s hair is falling over Adrian’s shoulder, they’re almost pressed together and Adrian can feel the almost inetivable sleep boner against the small of his back. He misses being fucked. Misses how easy he opened up for Deran, barely needing any prep after a while because Deran had a way of making it so fucking easy… Adrian sighs and Deran cluthes him closer in his sleep, one hand on Adrian’s left chest, almost cupping it and the nipple starts to harden a little.   
  
Adrian recalls a time when it only took a certain look, a hidden spot and – if they’d forgotten lube – some  spit to get it going. Deran was never rough when it came to that part, never indifferent, always listening even when he couldn’t bare to face Adrian while fucking. The memories of how Deran used to fuck him in Belize, in Adrian’s bed or on hidden beach spots before the kid spotted them in the restroom, are good. Really fucking good.   
  
He loved how Deran made it so difficult for him to keep his voice down, how he used to squeeze Adrian’s hips harder and bite his teeth to keep himself from groaning. How Deran could feel when Adrian was close, wettening his palm before stroking him until Adrian was a mess of orgasm, barely able to remain on his knees. How Deran sometimes couldn’t stay quiet because he was too lost to how good it felt, how his moves turned erratic and uncontrolled as he came. How he used to clutch Adrian close like he needed something to hold onto, before he was done.   
  
Deran nibbles his neck and Adrian knows he’s awake. He squeezes Deran’s hand and wriggles back a little with his ass, rubbing it over Deran’s cock and the man lets out a small sound, reminding of a whimper.  
  
”What is it?”  
”Nothing, it’s just… I miss it…”  
”Me too.”  
  
The kidnapping is still laying between them like an invisible barrier they never know where or when it will occur. Adrian moves a hand back to Deran’s lean hip, scratching it gently.  
  
”I wanna fuck, Deran. God… I want you to fuck me.”  
  
Deran hesitates just for the split of a second.  
  
”Maybe if we go really slow…”  
”I don’t want it slow, Deran. I want… I want your cock where it fucking belongs, I want you to fuck me hard, like we used to…”  
  
_I love your sweet side, love your tender, shy side, but I also love they way you fuck me like a goddamn animal._  
  
He can feel how Deran’s whole body reacts. The slight tension, the way his pulse is raising as he decides what _he_ wants. Two, three, four breaths. That’s how long it takes before Adrian feels his shorts being yanked down and the hard cock sliding over the crack of his ass, as Deran presses his mouth into his shoulder and then reaches behind himself to find the lube on the shelf.


	56. Deran

It’s been some time since he did the fucking and it’s not exactly a sweet memory. Not bad, but not happy either, since it happened right before the abduction. Deran remembers how he went from fluttering to crashing down so fast he didn’t even realise there was sorrow hidden beneath the anger and raging disappointment. Just chaos and the gut-wrenching feeling of a loss he still couldn’t fully name. And then, as he realised Adrian could’ve been taken by someone, his mind went off to the one thing he’d tried so hard to forget.  
  
The more he remembered from the rape, the more he’d come to question himself with Adrian. Had he been too rough? Had Adrian ever wanted to say no, but didn’t dare? What if they did it again and Adrian would get hurt? The reassuring it had never felt like that for Adrian, had not been enough to have Deran relax because he knew how painful it could be if you weren’t careful.  He’d never wanted to hurt Adrian and he’d never continued something in bed if Adrian showed he didn’t like it. Deran knew that, he also knew Adrian had no problem telling him to stop or use more lube or whatever if it didn’t feel good, but still… Even the wildest among animals have their softer moments, don’t they?  
  
Adrian is not as strong as before, the muscles are still there, fooling the eye but not Deran’s hands. Fucking him like he used to, when he was still ashamed of who he was, isn’t possible now and even if it was, Deran wouldn’t want to. It would hurt and make Adrian’s barely relaxed body pull tight and ache for days again. No, Deran wont have that happen and he doesn’t want to address the issue either and ruin this before it’s even begun. He keeps nibbling Adrian’s neck, sucking on the moutain range of fetlocks, moving down slowly with teeth scraping enough to keep the illusion of roughness and impatient hunger alive _._  
  
_I want you, I’ve wanted you for years and no matter how things have changed since that first time I felt something new with you, confusing and too tempting to ignore, familiar only in another situation because I couldn’t connect the tug in my belly with that smile you never showed anyone but me, I've never really wanted anyone but you._  
  
His boyfriend moans beneath him, his back curving with the nibbles, ass firm and fucking perfect as Deran sinks his teeth into it and moves to have Adrian on his belly. He continues biting and sucking all over the buttocks, clutching Adrian’s hips hard like he was about to take him fast. Being feral doesn’t mean being blunt and the way Adrian yields from it, how he moves to meet the nibbles, to get more of it, forces Deran to grab his own cock by the base to cool down. He turns Adrian to the side, wets his fingers with lube and arranges Adrian’s legs to get a better access, still cradling him with his other arm as he starts probing and prying him open.  
  
”You okay?”  
”Don’t stop…”  
  
It might be because it’s been so long, but it feels easier than ever. Deran knows exactly what he’s doing, what angle has Adrian squirming and cursing, even if they never spent much time with fingers before. Adrian’s practically sobbing after a while and Deran’s afraid it’s not good for him, only to get an almost angry _don’t you dare stopping now_ when he’s slowing down a second, having both of them laughing. That’s the Adrian he knows, who’s anything but tame and calm in bed, but just as desperate for the intoxicating ride as Deran.  
  
”How do you want it?”  
”You decide.”  
”But…”  
”Please, Deran? _Please…_ I can’t think right now…”


	57. Adrian

He’s so careful it’s almost unbearable. There’s so much fear left from the last time, fear of hurting him, in every touch. In a cruel paradox, the better Deran’s gotten at showing tenderness, the more afraid he is to do wrong. Adrian can feel that fear like a trail from Deran’s hands on his skin, in the way he seems to look out for the slightest sign of discomfort. The desperate urge to be strong, to not ruin the moment or cause any pain what so ever, leads to the slowest penetration Adrian’s felt since loosing his virginity. He can feel every inch until Deran’s warm, slick cock is all the way inside him, how the pulse is throbbing from it, in counterpoint with his own.  
  
”You okay?”  
”More than okay.”  
  
Deran knows his body and he turns Adrian’s head carefully to kiss him. It’s not heated, but soft and nervous, the face muscles strained from the effort it takes to balance both their traumas. Deran pets Adrian’s chest and belly, playing with his nipples until they’re like hard little nubs, but he’s not moving and Adrian moans.  
  
”Get on with it… I wont break.”  
”I… Please, I need to… go slow. Is that okay?”  
  
The voice is worried and Adrian turns his head to look at him. Deran’s cheeks are flushed and his hair is falling like curtains around the face and Adrian suddenly realises the rape, the abduction and a lot of other unwanted baggage are very much with them now, whether they like it or not, no matter how they choose to deal with it. It wasn’t enough for Deran to bottom again to know what they have is nothing like the horrors from their nightmares. He needs to feel, see and hear it himself.  
  
Adrian puts a hand on Deran’s neck and pulls him down for another kiss. He doesn’t answer the question with words, just rests as he is, waiting for Deran to move, eyes closed and hands swirled together as they keep kissing, keep nibbling each others lips, exchanging breaths until Deran’s heartbeats become slower against Adrian’s back. When he finally moves, Adrian doesn’t push back, in fact he doesn’t move at all, just lets Deran rock slowly as he wants and needs in order to feel safe.  
  
Deran doesn’t increase the pace, only how far he goes, inch by inch, a little further in with every stroke and Adrian feels like his mind is reeling, how the patience, the tenderness Deran shows his entire body, cuts off string after string attaching him to pain and fear. They way Deran moves behind him, how strong his arms feel around Adrian’s chest, how sweet the kisses on his neck, all of it only serves to equally increase the relaxation and the tickling, teasing sensation inside him, turning his body to a mewling bundle of raw nerve ends.  
  
It’s like nothing else. It feels so good in every way, Adrian can’t feel any pain at all, no sudden, unwanted protests from his muscles. He’s completely lax, almost like a human ragdoll in Deran’s arms and when Deran finally thrusts harder, holds him tighter, Adrian’s lost to it, feeling nothing but pleasure, complete and utter pleasure as Deran fucks him like he would’ve done earlier had there not been so much fear blocking the way like a giant rock.  
  
Deran still kisses him everywhere he can reach, from gentle dabs on the neck and shoulder, to nibbles on Adrian’s lips, turning into deep tongue swirling, exchanging moans everytime Deran hits the prostrate. Adrian’s becoming mindless, not knowing where to put his hands and Deran helps him by locking them onto his chest with one arm, before finally taking Adrian’s cock in the other, stroking it in counterpoint with his thrusts, rubbing his thumb just over the slit on the head.  
  
Adrian cries out, back arching and his hands are still being hold firmly as Deran’s hand forms tighter, slick and callous around his cock. When he comes, he’s boneless, just a mess of want and relief, orgasm throbbing through his every fibre as he all but sobs into the crook of Deran’s arm, so lost to the feelings taking over, he barely notices the long moan and slight heat inside him, before Deran leans onto his shoulder, sucking for air like he’s finally reaching surface again.


	58. Deran

”What time is it?”  
”Too early.”  
”For what?”  
”Anything but lying here, I guess. Not that I’m complaining.”  
  
Adrian’s resting on his chest, splayed out like a heavy, human blanket over him. He’s twinning one of Deran’s tangled locks around his finger, his own brown hair ruffled and soft against Deran’s lips and Deran’s sure as hell not complaining either. He strokes a finger over Adrian’s warm shoulders.  
  
”No nightmares?”  
”None.”  
  
Adrian moves away from his position to lay on the side instead, grimazing.  
  
”Think I got some muscle fever though. Of the good kind.”  
”You need your meds?”  
”I need to take a leak but it’s too warm and comfortable here to move.”  
  
His boyfriend sounds tired, no wonder, and Deran clutches him a little closer, burying his mouth in the crook of his neck, letting his fingers walk over the small of Adrian’s back.  
  
”Sure you’re okay?”  
”Deran…”  
”What?”  
”Tonight was… it was just awesome. The roof, the food, the sex… I’m sore and tired for all the right reasons, you know.”  
  
Adrian reassures him. Deran’s not really sure why that’s so crucial, but it is. He needs to hear that calm, warm voice telling him he’s not some psycho. That the change is for real and not only in Deran’s imagnation. That he’s not like…Daniel.  
  
Deran never realised it was possible for a guy to act like this, meaning being so scared and unable to forget. For a guy like _him_ not being able to brush it off or just try and find the asshole and beat him to a pulp. It’s painful as hell to think of that shit while having Adrian in his arms. This should be simple. Adrian needs help, not Deran, and it’s stupid to waste time thinking about something he can’t have undone. And Adrian could’ve died. Deran was only… raped.  
  
”Don’t wander off, Deran… I can hear you thinking.”  
  
The calm, sleepy voice pulls him back again, out from his chaotic, frightening mind. Warm, blue eyes.  
  
”What do you want for breakfast? Flapjacks?”  
”Don’t have any eggs.”  
”I know. That’s why I bought us a mix.”  
”When did you do that?”  
”Yesterday morning. Somehow I forgot to tell you last night.”  
  
_Us_. Deran smiles. _Please don’t move back to your place. Don’t leave me alone with my mind again. I’m not strong enough and I’m terrified you’ll discover just how weak I really am._


	59. Adrian

He’s leaving the doctor’s office emptyhanded. Well, not completely. Honestly, he’s not sure what he expected except for renewed prescriptions and some general advices: no alcohol, try not to stress too much and here’s a number to a self-help group and more meds. _Did you know physical activity has a positive effect on anxiety and depression?  
_  
Yeah, yeah. Boys don’t cry, men don’t break and if they do, they just curse, hit something, brush it off and get up again, pumping with adrenaline. Oh, I’m sorry doc, I didn’t hear you over the sound of my boyfriend crying in his sleep for the last three nights only to forget or deny it, maybe both, in the morning. You have any prescription for fear and shame? Or for very much alive ghosts from a life he’s trying to leave, that could take us both down and destroy everything in an instance? No? Didn’t think so. _Please excuse me while I go back home again, acting like a man and just swallow down my pathetic feelings with booze like normal guys.  
_  
Adrian realises a little too late he’s not even answered the poor pharmacist’s polite and sunny ”have a nice day”, and she’s already taking care of the next customer so he can’t go back and apologies. While having his quick lunch in the car before heading back to the shop, he makes sure to lock the doors. It’s too warm, but he really needs to just cut off the world a little. How do you tell a man who’s desperate to comfort you, to make everything alright and who’s ready to take the blame even for things he’s not done, that you’re there for him as well?  
  
The chicken sandwich tastes bland and he regrets having juice instead of water. The sugar only makes him more thirsty. Sweet and nice. Like girls. Sugar and spice and everything nice. Snakes and snails and puppy-dogs tails. Slimy stuff for the boys. _We’re not supposed to like or need the sweet, cuddly stuff. We want friendly punches we pretend don’t hurt, because we’ve long since learned that sneaking a hand into another’s, feeling the warmth and closeness from someone we love, either must be our mom or a girl we want to fuck.  
_  
Adrian knows that although it would feel awful, he’d be able to abstain sex with Deran for a very long time if he had to. What he wouldn’t do without, is the cuddles. The fragility in the muscled, hard, scarred body is their secret. The longing for tenderness it took both booze, weed and fucking Belize to drag into the light. They’ve both paid a high price for Deran’s fear of being himself and Adrian fears it’s not paid in full yet. Not by far.  
  
The rearview mirror shows two blue eyes, far more tired than he’s prepared for. Adrian’s avoided mirrors lately because he doesn’t need them. Deran’s his mirror, already showing too much, all the questions the man can’t speak, bleeding from his every breath. _Do you still love me? How can I make you smile again? Why wont you let me hunt the bastards down? Can’t you see I’m going insane from this? How can I be enough when you’re still so scared? Me? What about me? I’m not scared!_   
  
I’m drowning, Adrian, and I’m fucking terrified.


	60. Deran

”You look like shit, man.”  
”Thanks. Look, can you move that box and not just state the obvious, huh?”  
”How did the date night go?”  
”It was good.”  
”Rose petals and fucking in the moonlight?”  
”Very funny, asshole. Thanks, by the way.”  
  
Craig just grins. It’s hard keeping secrets when you have brothers like him and Pope. Baz is far too busy with himself to notice other peoples shit unless he can gain something from it. Craig may seem stupid and Pope crazy, but they’re not blind and while Deran wants to keep things like this to himself and Adrian, he’s surprised he doesn’t feel ashamed either. A little embarressed, but that’s all.   
  
”How’s he doing?”  
”He’s fine.”  
  
He says it a little too fast and strokes his hair away.   
  
”It’ll take a while until I can pay you and Pope back and…”  
”Seriously, man? Who do you think I am? Smurf or Baz?”  
  
Deran doesn’t have time for this. This being thinking of Smurf or himself or anything other than Adrian and the bar. And speaking of Adrian, he should be done at the doc by now. Deran picks up his phone, no missed calls and it’s one thirty. Craig puts a hand on his shoulder.  
  
”Hey, Deran, listen.”  
”What?”  
”I’ve never let you down, right? I mean, when it matters?”  
”I know. What’s your point?”  
”All this you’re doing… Helping Adrian, working your ass off, keeping Smurf away…”  
”She’s keeping herself away, man.”  
”Yeah, because she finally listened to you.”  
”She’s staying away because Pope threatened her. Feels kinda easier with how fucking scared I was of Pope, knowing _she’s_ just as scared.”  
  
Craig raises his eyebrows, suddenly pulling Deran close in a fucking hug and Deran snorts when they split.  
  
”The fuck was that for?”  
”I mean it, Deran. You look fucking exhausted and I know the whole family thinks I’m the Cody idiot, but I also know it was no fucking accident with a tire or shit like that when Pope took you to Mexico. What was so bad you couldn’t even talk to me about it, huh? And don’t lie to me!”  
”Don’t ask then!”  
  
His breathing is speeding up, he’s so fucking tired, so fed up from everything and Adrian will be back from the doc any minute. He must… must stay strong, don’t be a pussy, don’t be a burden, don’t…   
  
”Jesus, Deran… C’mere…”  
  
It’s been enough having Pope seeing so much of his weakness, not to mention Adrian. Deran’s not wanted to have Craig involved, he’s been deliberately shutting him out. Stupid, nice, impulsive and ever supporting Craig.  
  
”You know I’m having your back, right? And Adrian’s. He’s family no matter what Smurf thinks or says. Pope may be crazy sometimes and I’m a fucking idiot, but we’re here for you, man. Both of you.”  
”I know…”  
”Let me help then. You trust me right?”  
”Of course I trust you!”  
”Then talk to me, man.”


	61. Craig

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally(?) Craig's back.

”Shit… Fuck, Deran, I don’t know what to say, man…”  
”Really? How about telling me what a fucking idiot I was for…”  
”Hey, hey! Cut the bullshit, man, I’m serious. Don’t put words in my fucking mouth.”  
  
Craig’s boiling. He’s usually quite calm and doesn’t go as quick as Deran to raise his voice or throw a punch. He’s a big guy and doesn’t have to assert himself like that. Had Deran been a couple of inches taller, he’d probably been in less fights as well. They’re brought up partly on adreniline, they’re junkies in that way and they’ve ended up in a lot of shitty situations, deserving all the blood, scars and bruises since they dived into it, fully aware of the risks. What Deran’s finally told him, isn’t a risk, an accident or a stupid decision leading to another cracked rib or smashed lip.  
  
In a way, it makes sence. The way Deran’s been acting lately, how he’s stopped partying, stopped doing jobs, in fact stopped doing most things not evolving around Adrian. Less risk for it to happen again and a good fucking excuse to not think of it. Craig has no idea how Deran feels, how a fucking rape can change someone – especially not a guy – but he doesn’t have to understand. Just accept. No wonder Deran’s so exhausted, caring around this shit for months along with everything else.  
  
”What’s happened?”  
  
Adrian suddenly enters, worry radiating from him and he drops the bag with meds on the table and puts his arms around Deran. It’s such a natural gesture, powerful in it’s simplicity and Deran allows it, leans into it as Adrian strokes his hair. Craig rests his eyes on the tender little scene and forces his own lust to smash something aside. Instead he raises from the old chair.  
  
”I’ll leave you two alone. I’ll play some pool, if that’s okay.”  
  
Deran just nods and Craig closes the door after him. The bar is closed for at least four more hours and Craig grabs one of the pool cues, chalks it and takes out his anger on the cue balls with a hard hit, echoing in the empty bar.  
  
He’s not pissed or disappointed for Deran not telling him before. Who the fuck tells anyone this kind of shit if you don’t absolutely have to? Pope knows, but only because Deran needed help and for some reason didn’t want to call Craig. It makes sense though, since there was quite a huge risk Nicky would be around hearing or Craig simply being too high to be of any use. With all his craziness, at least you can count on Pope not being dead drunk or high as a kite. And, if he’s perfectly honest with himself, far better at keeping his mouth shut. Three years in prison is a good practice in that art.  
  
Craig’s not one to hold grudges. He’s not Deran who, according to Smurf, smiled even less than Pope when he was a toddler. Once when she brought that subject up for the umptheenth time, Craig made the mistake of pointing out that never knowing when or even if Julia would show up, probably added to Deran’s grumpiness. That was a mistake he never repeated. Smurf went completely silence at first, as only she could, freezing the entire surroundings like some winter witch from a fairytale. She didn’t even have to say anything. They all just immediately knew this was the wrong thing to say or even think. And Deran stayed grumpy, never mentioning Julia and the only sign of him even remembering her, was when he sneaked into Craig’s bed at night a couple of times, crying from a nightmare or something he instinctively knew Smurf couldn’t protect him from.  
  
Craig, Pope, Julia and Baz, not to mention Smurf, all have their part in screwing up things for Deran, even if it’s probably been undeliberately. Deran’s no angel, he’s as fearless and violent as any of them, but he’s got something outside the family Smurf couldn’t fully control. And Craig doesn’t know how or when or even whom, but this will not go passed without payback.


	62. Pope

”Uncle Pope?”  
”Yes, sweetheart?”  
”Where’s grandma Smurf?”  
”She’s out of town again, but she’ll be back in a couple of days. You miss her?”  
  
Lena shrugs and finishes her milk. That’s surprising, since Smurf’s been her safe haven even though she was the one wanting the poor kids mom dead. And Pope went as her tool. Pope’s never been good at putting his guilt aside. He can’t rationalize it the way Smurf and Baz can. Sometimes he thinks of his current situation like a silent, invisible punishment that wont end until he’s dead and buried. Unless there’s a God, of course, then it’s only a passover from one hell to another.  
  
No one’s seen or heard from Baz in days. Or Lucy. And as with Julia, or Deran or even Adrian, it’s silenced down. Dealing by not dealing with it, like Smurf always does when it comes to emotions. Her family, her pack feeling anything she’s not a part of, or controlling, is a betrayal and she’s less forgiving when it comes to her own sex. When Lena’s older, grandma Smurf wont be as interested or caring anymore. Smurf is horrifyingly practical and family is only family as long as it’s on her terms. Somewhere Pope lost the ability to help Julia and the heroin became a very effective substitute.   
  
The little girl who’s mother he loved but only wanted him to get back on Baz, the woman Pope killed after Smurf told him to, would be crushed if she knew and leaving her to the mercy of Baz and Smurf is equally unthinkable. The only people Pope would trust to take care of Lena except himself, are Deran and Adrian and they’re not exactly able to take care of anyone but themselves right now, or even that.   
  
”Can you read to me?”  
”You have no homeworks?”  
”Not today.”  
”Then pick some books.”  
  
It’s so easy making Lena happy, if only for a little while. She’s constantly surrounded by adults, more than most kids, but is getting far less attention than she should. Not that Pope’s one to know. Hell, he spent most of his childhood looking after his siblings and making sure Smurf’s lovers didn’t fuck shit up more than they did. Which was a lot. Smurf loves to remind them all how she alone managed to save them from the gutter, but Pope remembers more than one time when his siblings could’ve ended up seriously injured or worse had he not kept watch.  
  
Pope’s worried. Not only for Lena, but for Deran and Adrian as well. His youngest brother and his boyfriend have gone through some bad shit lately and no one’s paid for that yet. Vengeance is sweet, they say, but from Pope’s experience it rarely is. It only makes you exhausted and empty.   
  
Lena cuddles up in his lap and picks a book. _Brambly Hegde_ , one of her favourites it seems and Pope imagines it’s sweet to dream about something as far from Oceanside and the Cody family as possible. Friendly mice working and living together, no money, only what they can collect from the nature and no one is left behind or out. Lena shouldn’t have to live like this and Pope’s unaware he’s pulling her a little closer, he only notices how the kid hugs him harder. She’s innocent, she deserves so much better and if only Deran and Adrian get on their feet again, for real, Lena would be better off with them. She’s missing them both and they’re responsible guys these days. Maybe Deran would actually be able to go legit for real…


	63. Adrian

”What did the doc say?”  
”Nothing new.”  
  
Of course he’s trying to change the subject. Jesus, Deran must be fucking terrified. Combined with exhaustion it’s a recipe for disaster. His boyfriend’s about to fall into pieces and surprisingly, Adrian feels completely calm. He doesn’t have a plan for this, he acts on instinct, knowing he just have to be patient, just fucking hold the man who’s been through hell as well.  
  
”I told him… I told Craig.”  
  
The whisper is thick and Adrian puts a hand on Deran’s nape, squeezing it gently. His boyfriend’s lost when he feels helpess, it’s so obvious. Lost among restless waters and the shores he’s trying to reach are in flames with Belize as a shadow over the scene, blocking the sun along with the only woman in his life. Afraid and ashamed but not abandoned. Both Pope and Craig know now, more than they were supposed to, but Adrian’s beginning to think it was inevitable. The bonds within the Cody family may be strong in all the wrong ways and weak in all the right ones, but there’s only so much you can hide once you’ve dropped enough little pieces of information to make some kind of picture.  
  
A sigh bordering on a sob slips Deran.  
  
”I’m scared, Adrian… You hear that? I’m… just so _fucking scared_ and I… I don’t even understand why.”  
”You’re human, that’s why.”  
  
_You’re only human, my love. You sweet little mess, my heart, you’re only human and humans are scared. And if you’re never afraid, you can never be brave._  
  
”Remember you promised me not to…”  
”I remember, babe. The doc… what did she…”  
”Still gotta be on meds for a while, but at least the doses aren’t increased.”  
”Good… That’s good.”  
”And she’s suggested I’ll get… therapy.”  
”What?”  
”I know… I know, Deran, but I…”  
”You agreed?!”  
”Hey…”  
”Jesus, Adrian!”  
”Hey, fucking listen before you throw a fit!”  
  
He can barely think now. He’s so tired and Deran... He looks wrecked. Adrian takes his hand, pulling him to the bed and they sit down, just two exhausted idiots on a bed made for two in the backroom on a pub, leaning their stupid heads together. They don’t have much, but it’s theirs. Their fears are real, very real and to Adrian it sometimes seems like they’re never able to talk about it. All of it. Everything is a constant battle where they’re just trying to stand their ground. It’s not always easy seeing the victories when you’re too exhausted from fighting to have a real look. Adrian takes Deran’s face between his hands.  
  
”I love you. I mean… Jesus, I fucking love you so much, man, I couldn’t care less if my family or yours or any thug assholes hate my guts. You hear that, Deran? What you are to me is… I know I’m not much of a use right now, but I will and… Fuck, what I’m trying to say is, I’m not leaving, I’m not helpless and I’m not stupid. Nor am I some fucking saint.”  
”Where are you going with all this…?”  
  
Adrian swallows, he can smell the musky scent of Deran’s au de cologne, the scent staying in their bed, on Deran’s shirts and Adrian’s own.  
  
”What I’m saying is… We’re getting our revenge, hon. Just not now.”  
”What do you mean?”  
  
Deran’s less tense now and he’s having a confused look on his face. Adrian smiles a little and presses a gentle kiss on his lover’s mouth.  
  
”Trust me, babe. They’ll pay for what they did to us. They’ll pay…”


	64. Deran

The first night at home was probably the first time he felt it. When he’d landed on the doorstep, waiting for her to let him in, to forgive him. She’d been way more upset and relieved than he’d ever imagined she could. They’d not talked about it, maybe she’d already figured out he wouldn’t talk if she headed right on. Instead, it had been the usual mothering, homecooked dinner and laundry basket. Baz was the only one who’d acted curious for real, obviously and probably surprised and a little impressed that little Deran wasn’t all barking, whining and sulking.   
  
It wasn’t until it was really late and he was laying in his bed, unable to sleep despite the weariness, that his stomach curled in an unpleasant way, his chest weirdly tightening and Deran couldn’t reckognize the feeling, was unable to connect to the empty space beside him where Adrian had been laying for the last weeks and now didn’t. He had no name for it then, no idea how deep he’d fallen into that anything but nice little pit of something apparantly called love.  
  
The head on his shoulder is heavy from sleep and it would only take a really hard blow with the right tool to wipe everything out. Good or bad, sweet or painful. It doesn’t really matter how badass you are, how many stupid risks you’ve survived or how quickly you can rise from a fall. If there’s nothing left but a will to survive or revenge, is it really worth it? Heads are sensitive things, thick bones to protect it or not, and the worst damages usually don’t show.  
  
Adrian is warm and relaxed beside him and Deran has learnt to reckognize, even put a name on the feeling swallowing him that first night after he’d come back from Belize. Loss.   
  
It wasn’t the kind of loss as with Smurf. The fear of loosing her love and approval lied so deep it was more or less a part of him as much as a limb. It was all about her and this was nothing like it, which was probably the reason Deran couldn’t figure out what the fuck it was that kept him awake. He’s never made a more difficult decision in his life than the one he’s about to take now, but for some reason he doesn’t feel as shattered as when he laid in his bed that first night. Just… sad.  
  
Deran pulls the man in his arms a little closer. Adrian’s been sleeping better lately and his breaths are languid, regular. He’s not made any promises he can’t live with and Deran’s kept silent about his own difficulties to come to rest. Weed helps quite well, at least it has until now.   
  
He’s not an idiot. He knows Adrian wants him to talk and Deran can’t blame him for it. Especially not when Adrian never tries to push him on the subject. There’s no resistance on than area now since Adrian’s the one in need of help most desperately.   
  
The decision is his own but it doesn’t make him feel less trapped or conflicted. Less haunted and afraid. He’d trade this for the fear of coming out in an instance if he could. Looking at it now, his years in the closet seem like nothing, the risks he took like a kid afraid of being caught shoplifting or porn watching. Deran’s been searching kicks ever since he could walk, watching his older brothers and wanting to be like them.   
  
He’s painfully aware this is not helping any of them. How he’s trying to print Adrian’s breaths, the weight of him into his memory as if they weren’t already there, along with the freckles, brown hair and smell. Imagining the empty space is too painful, but Deran knows he’ll have to deal with it, can’t escape it like he did before. If he does, he’ll loose the part of himself that Adrian loves, turning an already awful decision into a nightmare.  
  
The sun will rise soon.


	65. Smurf

You can’t learn how to be a mother. Either you have it in you or not. It’s a animalistic instinct, to protect and nurture your spawn and those who don’t, will leave it to die. Humans aren’t so different from other species. Smurf is not delusional. She has no illusion of being the perfect mother for all her kids. Giving Pope, Julia and Craig what they needed was hard, living hand to mouth as they often did before things turned better. When she held Deran in her arms for the first time, the bloody, screaming little bundle after Pope had cut the naval string, she knew that with this one, it would be different.  
  
Unlike Julia, Deran didn’t scream all night and he didn’t have Pope’s tormented eyes or Craig’s restless sleep. He was a beautiful baby, trusting and calm, always reaching out to his mother whenever he needed her. Deran was the first one she truly bonded with and it was addictive. When Pope told her it was time to stop breastfeeding him, it felt like she’d done something shameful, but what did a disturbed teenage boy know about motherhood. Way more painful, was the fact that Deran let go of her breast with such an ease, as soon as she allowed it.  
  
That feeling, the realisation that he, her youngest, the one she’d carried close to her heart for the longest, was so eager to grow up and be like his brothers, hurt. Smurf’s not sure if Deran actually believed she’d shun him for being gay and since he’ll never know what it’s like to carry a child under your heart, he’ll also never understand a mother’s motives. What Deran does understand far too well, is how Smurf views the people she can’t control, and Adrian’s definately one of them.  
  
She lits another smoke and sips on her coffee. The house is quiet and she’s never really gotten used to how empty it feels as all her boys have left. She still has Lena from time to time, but it’s not the same thing and she’s not hers. Admitting to herself just how much she’s underestimated the surfer boy hasn’t been easy, nor the discovery of how well Deran’s been able to take care of his own life. She waited for him for weeks, then months and not even with the surfer boy being a burden to him, has he reached out to her. Something’s happened that goes far deeper than stubbornness or just having enough cash not having to come home. Both Pope and Craig have helped him, that’s for sure. Telling them not to is not and option. That’s not how Smurf operates and she’s not been in a situation like this, when all her usual tools no longer work.  
  
Trying to picture Deran with Adrian shouldn’t be hard. They’ve been close since they were kids and Smurf appriciated Adrian, that Deran had a friend in his own age who didn’t engage in all the risky things his brothers and their friends did. The polite, quiet and unobtrusive kid seemed to have a calming effect of Deran and unlike girls he was no threat in the same way Julia or Cath were. At least that’s what she thought. No uterus, no leverage. How wrong she was.  
  
Smurf doesn’t like the mornings anymore. Only a few months ago, they used to be her favourite time of the day. The only one of her kids who’s able to understand how much it means to her to make breakfast for them, even more than dinner, is Baz. He’s the only one of them who knows what real hunger feels like and while sipping on her lonely black coffee, lightening another smoke, Smurf tries to understand what she did wrong. Why her love doesn’t seem to matter anymore, to the one who got the most of it. She’s trying so hard, but is left with the same number of no answers as usual. She’s willing to admit she underestimated Deran’s frustration, his need to create some distance and what Adrian meant to him. She’s not been spying herself, of course, but J, Nicky and Lena are. Not said out loud, of course, a mother’s concern for her kids is hard to explain for anyone who doesn’t know what motherhood feels like. The things she’s learnt from this frugal information are both worrying, suprising and in a strange way makes her feel… proud.  
  
Picturing her youngest giving up jobs, parties and lazy playing for long hours of hard work with the bar was surprising enough. Smurf never thought Deran had the patience or skills for that. Trying to imagine him letting his boards stand while taking care of someone is simply a shock. None of her kids have ever shown that kind of determination and self-sacrificing.  
  
Hurting Adrian wasn’t her doing. It was a mistake and it’s not her fault Craig and that idiot Marco messed with the wrong people, too stupid to find out who the real target was before jumping on it. All Smurf did was to keep that knowledge to herself and make sure Craig knew the deal. His little adventure with Lucy as well as the jobs were at risk and with an actual conscience along with stupid loyalty, it took a lot of persuation to make him promise to shut up.  
  
Guilt is something Smurf’s never allowed to rule her and as much as Craig cares about his baby brother, he also knows what damage could be done if Deran knew his part in this. That his own brother’s stupidity made Adrian a target. What Smurf can’t understand is how that, along with the other problems, didn’t make Adrian let go of her boy.  
  
The coffee is getting cold, she’s barely touched it. She picks up her phone and for the first time in many weeks, she dials the number. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is the end of Belize Shadow part 9 and I just want to say THANK YOU ALL for reading and commenting! I hope things got just a little clearer in this last chapter and of course, there will be another part, following directly on this one: "Homeport (Belize Revisited)".
> 
> Hope you'll be joining me in part 10 <3 *kisses and hugs to all of you*


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